Raeville

Blogger to Wordpress

2007-11-28T10:07:00.000+08:00

http://www.raeville.wordpress.com

Yes, I'm moving.
What more can I say? Wordpress is prettier.

Oh, Music Camp was all right. Boring, but all right. I survived, that's all that matters.

My relationship with VideoEzy

2007-11-21T20:13:00.000+08:00

Gladesville's VideoEzy and I, we're real tight.

I realised as I was thinking about all the DVDs I have rented out in the last two weeks that the majority of them were under the drama genre. My film taste does make me wonder.

In the last two weeks, I watched:

Capote - hands down, one of the best movies I have ever seen.
Guide to Recognising Your Saints - I really only picked it because Riana was coming over and I know how much she loves Shia.
Young Adam - one of Ewan's movies. I didn't get to finish it, but I must say that it is very "graphic" D:
Season 1 of 24 - I'm addicted. Jack Bauer is tha shizzle.
Paris J'Taime - very sweet movie. So many familiar faces!
Scenes of a Sexual Nature - another Ewan movie. Similar to Love Actually, only a less obvious.
Half Nelson - I really liked this movie... Ryan Gosling certainly deserved that Oscar nomination. Drug addicts have never been any cuter. Also, they played Shampoo Suicide by Broken Social Scene :)
Surf's Up - penguins have never been cuter! Surfing penguins = cool! Shia is so convincing.
The Bourne Ultimatum - this was one orgasmic action movie. I shat in my pants all the way through (ahem, motorbike scene)
Death at a Funeral - told you before, it was hilarious! Oh how I love the British!
Spanglish - how typical of an American family movie. Ew @ Adam Sandler.
Season 1 and 2 of Weeds - another series I'm addicted to. Illegal weed distribution and smoking has never been so funny.

I'm so sure I watched a couple more, but as you all know my memory continues to fail me. I couldn't even remember the word "convincing" while I was typing up that list.

---

Dad called. He said he found me a job. His friend owns an advertising company in KL and wouldn't mind if I worked there for a couple of weeks just to get familiar with the industry. Mum said it was the same man who patronised her based on her gender when she went for a job interview many years ago. Well, let's hope it doesn't happen to me.

I went to get a haircut today. I'm back to looking like super-butch. The hairdresser cut it too short, when I said just a little shorter. I just wanted a trim! I regret having this haircut now. I should have just grown it out... How is anyone of the opposite sex going to be interested in me anymore?

GQ magazines cost far too much for me. But when Daniel Craig is on the cover, who bloody cares right? Damn Daniel for being too motherfucking hot.

Watching Dead Poet's Society now.

Cheers.

PS. Today, I rented out DPS (watching now), Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange, The Constant Gardener, Breakfast At Tiffany's and One Hour Photo. All for $8. Someone, save me.

PPS. From the UK edition of GQ December 07. Who ever thought that Daniel was a computer game nut! I just love him even more! ...

JN: What's your favourite game?
DC: I'm quite into games that have a huge fat story line. I'm not into role-playing games, I can't be doing with all of that. But Halo's good because it's shooting aliens.
JN: A victimless crime.
DC: Exactly. Those ultra-violent ones. I can play for an hour and then I feel dirty. Vice City - oh yes, all right, I've stolen 18 cars. I've had enough now.

Uncyclopedia-ed Daniel Craig

2007-11-20T14:04:00.000+08:00

"Too hot, I know."

I stumbled across this highly accurate biography of Daniel Craig,
check it out here.

Here're some of the True Facts about my favourite man:

Daniel Craig kills any man who stares at him for more than ten seconds.
Daniel Craig does not fuck. He drills.
Daniel Craig is 1/8th Muslim. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Arab!
Daniel Craig drives an Aston Martin DB5 covered in human skulls.
Daniel Craig can touch MC Hammer.
Daniel Craig once ate a whole cake before his
friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
If you fuck with either James Bond or Daniel Craig, he will steal your car,
steal your wife, and blow up your house.

And there's a hundred of these TRUE facts ;)
Oh how I love him.

PS. I'm blogging because I'm bored.
Have you noticed?

Some things I really hate.

2007-11-20T12:58:00.000+08:00

I'm angry, and I'm going to make a list describing my frustration for everything.

I hate...

how all my friends who I dearly miss are too busy to talk to me.
how no one is listening to me.
the fact that I can't decide what is more important to me: my love for music or photography?
John Howard or the fucker who increased interest rates, making it AUD$1 approximately equivalent to RM3.20.
the Indian Embassy for not knowing how to organise a fucking embassy in Sydney.
how my digital camera screen is broken.
the fact that I don't deserve to own a new guitar because I'm not good enough.
going out because that means putting on something nice to wear.
the person who has rented out 24's season 2 Disc 1 and 2 before me.
going out for dinner with mum's friends. They talk to me like a fucking child when I don't do or say anything to demonstrate such a thing.
how my hair looks right now. I want a fucking haircut.
how I can't drive around by myself since my mum is always complaining about driving alot.
how I can't change the way I dress.
how I am continuously judged as a fucking 12 year old by the way I dress.
how I don't have clothes that make me look my age, and my gender.
how women have periods and men don't.
TODAY. IT SUCKS FUCKING BALLS BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO FUCKING DO.

My noodles are getting cold. I didn't even ask for any and my mum made it anyway. Fuck everything.

Cheers.

A trip down memory lane.

2007-11-17T19:26:00.000+08:00

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 25th, 2005
"I want to do something great for a change. I've done my part during my time at AISM (my previous school), and now I feel like doing the very same at St Caths. I want to make my school years here worth something much more than just a few years at 'some' school. I want to be known for something good, and not just 'some' student from overseas. I want to leave school, after my final years, feeling like I've truly accomplished something much more than an average student."

---

I was bored enough to take a trip down memory lane. What better way to spend your time than to look at old blog entries! I was reading entries from late 2005 and I can't believe how much I've grown up since then. I can't believe how quick it has been. One minute I was complaining about how difficult Year 10 was and how pressured I felt about making "life-altering" decisions. Next thing I know I'm walking out of my HSC Biology exam at 11.30am 30th of October, my final exam of my high school life and thinking that was one high hurdle completed. I used to complain about the most ridiculous things too, like how selfish my father was, how no one should suffer from isolation like I felt I did. It's funny. I laugh at stories such as the Year 10 formal, and the night when there were boys outside the boarding house making noises and calling for the boarders.

I found this quote, from the 25th of November 2005 as I was reading through the page. Two years down the road, and I feel as if I've achieved my goal of the past. I truly believe that I've accomplished something much more than an average student, especially the average student I believed I was at the beginning of my school career at St Catherine's. Here's a list, because let's face it -- not only does everyone love lists, people are less inclined to read large passages of text as displayed constantly throughout my blog. ADMIT IT.

I joined three school bands and learned how to play the timpani for the Orchestra and Concert Band.
I made a video for promoting the school's boarding house, which has even created interest in the headmistress of the school.
I was on the boarders' council in Year 12.
I nominated myself for prefect in Year 11, eventhough I knew I had no chance.
I played in tennis competitions, and although I never won a single singles match, I found myself receiving B&F mentions in the newsletter and an award for Most Improved Player.
I learned how to play soccer, and found my talents in goalkeeping. I'd never felt so needed xP The headmistress was at my last game and congratulated me. She even used my name. Bizarre.

It may not sound like a 5-star achievement that would be enough for an award at Speech night, but to me, I believe I achieved my goal of two years ago and am happy to say that I will leave school feeling like I achieved great things in my final years of high school.

Well that was one lovely walk down memory lane. :)

Cheers.

3:27

2007-11-14T03:30:00.000+08:00

I just want someone to be there for me. I just want someone who could make me happy.

That's all :)

Shiny happy freakin' people.

2007-11-14T02:19:00.000+08:00

Sigh. How I miss them all.
EDIT: Including Nom. OF COURSE.

---

And let me rant for a while, I think that's what I need at two in the morning.
Stupid shiny happy people who laugh and hold hands,
who throw their love around, and
take their love into town.
Sigh :( I want to be part of the shiny happy people group.
I'm being really discreet, aren't I?
No, it's just me at 2am on a Wednesday.
Right, end of rant. I really should go to bed.

Cheers.

PS. Happy 16th Birthday Riana :)
my sister.
She probably isn't reading this (unless she secretly reads my blog), but nevertheless, it's the thought that counts the most.

Death at a Funeral

2007-11-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

Caught a movie with mum this evening, Death at a Funeral. It was excellent, and extremely hilarious. It even got the whole room laughing. Who ever thought that a funeral could be so funny!

Early this morning I had a driving lesson in the rain. It was a little daunting at first, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. I really enjoy it. My instructor thought I was confident enough for the big roads, so I had to drive home. Due to my super concealing skills, I managed to hide the fact that I was scared shitless on the main road. Fuckin' Bentley didn't give way to me when I was turning in! Why do they allow such enormous cars on roads like Australia's with narrow lanes?

(From left) Nom, Mr Gresham and myself
at the Year 12 Staff-Student Dinner in September, 2007.

Our band coordinator, Mr Gresham was able to sway me into performing with the school's Senior Stage band at the St Joseph's Spring Fair this Sunday the 11th. We're playing my favourite song and good ol' best friend, House of the Rising Sun by The Animals. I'm not sure if I've bitched about this song in previous entries, but the band's been playing this song for a long time now, and I hold the key opening solo part -- I mess up every single performance with a dud note, or a tiny mistake. I've probably only played the solo correctly 5 out of 187293728 times. Nevertheless, the band needs me and I'm all for a little performing on my Purple Haze (Yaha, I've decided to name my purple guitar after my favourite Hendrix song). It's cool anyway, for a Year 12 to give up her time for school related things, especially when it comes to promoting the school. Yeah, I'm that big a loser.

Speaking of promoting the school, I was indirectly asked a couple of months ago by Mrs Wilson, the head of boarding on behalf of the school's headmistress to make a video promoting the whole school for use in next year. I'd previously done a video for Mrs Wilson of the boarding house, which was originally used for a boarding house presentation at the school's Spring Fair earlier this year and was then used at school exhibitions in several Australian cities and Hong Kong. Mrs Stone, the headmistress liked it and found it so impressing - enough to want one of the whole school - done by me. She even said that she was willing to pay me to do it. I haven't got back to her on that yet, but I'm going to take the job. I mean, why not right? It'll be good for my portfolio, great work experience and plus, I'll earn a little moolah and get to spend my holidays doing something productive. But man, what a job that would be. I find it so hard to believe that someone was impressed at the work I did. I used the dodgiest program to do it, and it still caught eyes.

My severe case of dry skin makes me look like a reptile. Could I be the missing link in the pattern of evolution? :O

I should start sleeping early again. I'm slipping back into my old habit of sleeping at 3am and waking up at 12pm again, and it's not too healthy. So off to bed I go.

Cheers.

PS. Saw random kids walking around in their school uniform today and realised how much I miss school already. I'm clearly not over the fact that it's all over.

PPS. Facebook is amazing. All my primary school mates (most of whom never really knew who I was) have changed so much.

PPPS. Sorbolene cream is heaven.

PPPPS. If going vegetarian is harmless, I might consider it as a way to lose weight.

Rainy days

2007-11-08T20:23:00.000+08:00

It's supposed to be summer, yet it's been pouring with rain for the last week. Weather forecasts says it'll keep raining for the rest of the week too. In a way it's great. Less problems with hay fever, and great weather to sleep in. On the other hand, I've been suffering from severe dry skin problems and it's been driving me nuts. It makes me look like a man growing a stubble!

I really enjoyed my first driving lesson on Monday. It was fun, and frightening at the same time. I've another lesson tomorrow morning. Let's hope it'll be just as good.

I found out that it costs AUD$5 to print an exposure of 120mm film. It's absolutely ridiculous. So whenever I use my Holga, one roll of film would cost me AUD$60, which is the equivalent of RM180! And with the increasing interest rates in Australia (Howard, you stupid man) -- I'm so doomed. So I've decided to take the film home to develop it. Hope it doesn't cost as much as it does here.

Mum was thinking of buying a new car for conveniences next year. I hope to say hello to a new Hyundai i30. :)

I'm off to bed. I've got to get up early for my driving lesson. Pray that the roads are dry for me tomorrow morning. It'll benefit everyone on the road tomorrow.

Cheers.

PS. I woke up this morning and thought about the end of school, and how I'll never have to go back to school again. It's bizarre.

PPS. I really read into the whole Columbine high school massacre in 1999 last night. I was so interested in it that it creeped me out. I couldn't sleep, so I read.

PPPS. Which brings me to the topic of my current read: A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. It's excellent.

Lately

2007-11-04T19:44:00.000+08:00

I reckon I've been spending my holiday time very well, with my frequent trekking into the city. I've been out every single day from when I first started my holidays and I'm knackered! And, so is my wallet.

Other than shopping and spending time with my friends, I've really been enjoying my days of freedom. Take this morning, or afternoon for example. I woke up at noon for the first time in over two years. I haven't slept in like today for ages! And that is a big deal as I usually wake up earlier due to feeling bad about wasting the day away. I started a Weeds marathon, but failed after finding out that our DVD player can't play disc two of Season 1.

I'm starting my first driving lesson tomorrow. I'm really excited for it, and at the same time I'm worried that I'll just chicken out and fumble out. So, anyone on the roads in the Gladesville area -- steer away.

I broke my camera today. No, not on purpose. I put it in my back pocket and sat on it, thinking that it wouldn't hurt. Guess I was wrong. The screen inside has cracked, so the display doesn't work anymore. It can still take photos though, so that's great. I'll survive.

About A Boy is on now and it's about to end.

Cheers.

PS. Judy and Jenny are leaving :(

PPS. I want a Nintendo Wii. It'll make my days here so much better.

PPPS. I got tickets to the Phantom of the Opera showing next May-June. Jude ordered tickets after me and funnily enough got seats next to mine. x)

PPPPS. I admit it. I want my own penguin with the perfect pebble.

Oasis' new single!

2007-11-03T06:49:00.000+08:00

Keep saying that my head's locked up in the clouds,
Keep saying that the lord won't slow me down

---

It's finally out, and I HAS IT.
Oasis' latest single and exclusive digital track, Lord Don't Slow Me Down.
It's awesome guys. If you dug their song Lyla, I recommend it.
Then again, I'm an Oasis muso. TRY IT ANYWAY!

I have all sorts of plans.

2007-10-31T10:39:00.000+08:00

I'm finally back from the most difficult two weeks of my life, and it feels great. I woke up this morning to find myself freezing from the morning chill, and realised there was no reason to wake up this early. Half-asleep, I pulled myself out of bed, grabbed my yellow blanket and went back to sleep underneath it's extra layer of warmth. It's been a while since I last slept in without reason to get up.

In the last two weeks, I came across days when I'd sit myself down to a schedule and study 6-7 hours, and there were the other days when I'd find myself completely without a purpose and do under 3 hours of study. Alot of my time procrastinating was spent on thinking about what I wanted to do after the two weeks (and Facebooking). It was all planning and wishing.

I've come up with a list of things I want to do in the next four months of my life. Why? Well, because let's face it -- everyone loves lists.

Learn how to drive. I've finally decided to do it. I'm going to do as many hours that I can during the next month in Sydney, and I'll do my Ls with Shaza when I return to KL. That way, I'll have lots of experience on the road. My first driving lesson starts on Monday of next week.
Go to Singapore and Thailand some time during the holidays. I want to visit Jude in Singapore and do the whole prata-sheesha-shopping experience all over again. And Thailand, where I want to see beaches and experience the country-side with Nom.
Get a job. Considering I want to travel during the holidays to see my friends, I thought it would only be fair if I earned some money to pay for my own pocket money, or maybe even a flight if I had enough money. I also thought that I could work for one of mum or dad's friends who works in the advertising or publishing industry, just to get a feel of the type of work that goes on in the office. Work experience, yay.
Shop! I've even got a list for what I want to buy: a Lomo Holga camera (because the LCA is far too expensive), Josh Ritter's album The Animal Years, tees and a pair of Ksubi jeans. There's even an Incu warehouse sale this Friday! Yes!
Ask for an acoustic guitar for Christmas. I've done all the online research I could do to find the most affordable guitar that will keep me satisfied for many years to come. Now all I need is to ask Santa for it.
Be in KL for Chinese New Year. Next year, the Chinese New Year landed itself on the 8th of February (a day before my birthday!) and I intend on sticking around for this. I've missed far too many CNY celebrations due to school, and I'm not missing another one again.
Be in KL for my 19th Birthday. Damn right I'm celebrating big-time.
Visit the Bennetts. My old Year 8 teachers who I still keep in touch with. They've been hounding me to come up to visit them, and this time I'll be able to.

Other than that, I'm really praying for a miracle that I get into UTS. I'm praying that my consistent hard work throughout the year will help in the whole process of calculating my UAI.

I'm off. I'm going to start watching Weeds season one now. Hurray for couch-potato activities!

Cheers :)

PS. Good luck to the rest of you lot
(EJ, Shaza, Jude in particular) who are still on exams.
All the best guys! There's not long to go!

THE END OF THE HSC.

2007-10-30T08:57:00.000+08:00

VICTORY IS MINE.
Other than that, I'm well. Biology really killed me.
My UAI is now in jeopardy.
I'm going shopping now, hopefully.

FOUR MONTHS OF FREEDOM,
OH YEAAAAAHZ.

HIATUS.

2007-10-16T17:30:00.000+08:00

I've some HSC slayin' to do.

To all Year 12s sitting their HSC and IB,
GOOD LUCK.

PS. I won't be able to reply to any cbox comments because I'm back in the boarding house and the IT dudes here are assholes. Cheers!

PPS. Please wish me luck :] Be back in 2 weeks.

Why yes, I am currently panicking.

2007-10-15T09:05:00.000+08:00

Ok, so let's see... We've got 4 days till the HSC. Well, mine at least starts on Thursday with the Japanese Writing exam. Am I panicked? Yes. Yes I am. I still haven't been working as hard as I should be, and I don't know what's wrong with me but it doesn't always seem to register. Instead I'd be watching TV, or playing with my new Etch-a-Sketch which my sister bought for me from New York, or playing the guitar, or... doing things that just count as procrastination really.

I still don't know how I'm going to achieve a UAI of 85, let alone 81 to get into UTS. Many people say that the real HSC is always easier than the trials. I don't know how much of that is true, so I've decided not to rely on that. No one should anyway.

I know this may sound silly, but my mum used to go to this feng-shui guy who used to foresee things for her. I never really believed in that sort of stuff. In 2004, I was in Year 9 and was finishing my final term at AISM as I was going to Sydney the following year. At the end of the year, I received the Year 9 Dux Award, which was just an overall achievement award for the year group. Couple of days after the speech day, the family was having a conversation about some things and my mum had told my sister and I that she was told that we were both going to achieve something great at the end of the year. It was bizarre, and I didn't really know whether it was true or not. But it did happen.

Ever since then I've been wondering if mum knows something about this year. I've been wondering if she was told that I wasn't going to do well, because she keeps rambling to me about how it would be a miracle if I got into UTS. It's not an awfully nice thing to say, if you asked me. Hah, she doesn't even seem to have any hope in me by saying that. But the thing is, I keep having this suspicion that she has been talking to her feng-shui guy and she may have heard something about my future.

Perhaps I'm just worrying too much. I should just get over it and go with the flow.

Mmkay I better be off now. Going back to school to drop off some work for a teacher.

Cheers.

PS. My sister is so nice. She bought me THE original Etch-a-sketch toy and a I ♥ NY tee. She brought back some chocolates too! I had a Butterfinger for the first time, and it was so sweet. I realised that if I lived in America I'd be obese. Oh and she brought back the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly (!! from America) and guess who's featured ------ Daniel Craig! >:D WAHAHAHA. Ok bye.

Specially for Jude.

2007-10-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

This is me breaking the norm for the Happiness Meme I did yesterday, or the day before whatever.

11) Seeing my friends every odd day of the week. They bring me back to sanity.
Oh, but most of all it's all about seeing Jude ;)

Oh, I am such a suck-up!
(Would've used to most inappropriate photo,
but then I realised how keen I was about NOT being
hurt the next time we meet)

Cheers.

Happiness Meme!

2007-10-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

I'm bored and I smell like the ocean (thanks to Body Shop). Screw late-night study, I'm doing this instead! :D

---

Happiness Meme! stolen from Nurie's LJ :)
Rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs or blogs alike.

Dreaming of Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman joining my table at some dinghy unknown restaurant, talking to Ewan's non-existent sister about Hareton Earnshaw and listening to his brother (who looked nothing like the real Colin McGregor) speak about Ewan... But mostly, MAINLY it was all about dreaming of Ewan ♥
Getting a new phone -- Nokia E65. And it slides too! :O
Talking to Laura on the phone for an hour and a half while waiting in line with Mr Gresham (and disturbing him) at the airport, saying goodbye to the school's Creative Arts tour to New York.
Watching the Season 2 premier of Heroes, the Season 4 premier of House M.D. and finding interest in the new series of Life. HEROES = WHOALIEKWTF.
Hearing about Ewan (and Charley) being a guest on Monday's Andrew Denton's Enough Rope on ABC! Can't wait!
Listening to my weekly dose of Chris Moyles' podcast and laughing out loud to myself:

Dom: Imagine if Ewan McGregor had a video out.
Dave: An OOWAN VIJIO!
Chris: Say it. Say Ewan McGregor's new video.
Aled: Oowan McGwegor's new vijeo.
Chris: Christina Aguilera.
Aled: Christin Aguiwewa.
Chris & Dave: CHRISTIN AGUIWEWAAAAAA!
Cooking my own dinner -- pasta with sliced sausages in tomato and chilli sauce. Yum.
Mum bought me a new bottle of face moisturiser because I left mine back in the Boarding House... hey, my face has been very dry all right!
Pictionary at my mum's friend's place after dinner. That was fun :P
Wearing my FUCK ART LET'S DANCE tee. It brings some kind of happy new confidence to me... Yeah yeah, I'm strange.

TAGGING: Anyone. I don't know enough people who actively read my blog and blog themselves. So. Go for it :) Spread the lurrrrve.

Cheers.

PS. I miss my Nudies :(

Quick update.

2007-10-06T22:08:00.000+08:00

There's really nothing much that has happened in the last couple of days, or week, whatever. Well, there's something -- I've lost track of time.

The majority of my time this week has been spent studying for my final exams which commence in approximately eleven days from now. This is the crunch time. Every hour lost in this entire year must be made up for in the following eleven days. Man, is it going to be a challenge. I told myself 38 hours a week, 8-10 hours per subject and so far I doubt that I'm even close to that goal. Am I worried? Fuck yeah.

And what makes this even worse is being stuck in the apartment with mum all day, slipping in and out of naps, occasionally checking up on Facebook, and studying, of course. The pressure she puts on me is amazing. It's worse than the phone calls while I was studying in the boarding house. It's the constant nagging that bothers me. I mean, I do acknowledge that she's only doing it because she cares. But it just drives me up the wall. I wonder, was the HSC designed to do this to youths like me?

Other than stressing out about the exams and my next three to five years of my life, I went to the city a couple of times to spend an hour or two with Jude and Nom. Went with a group of friends to a University of Sydney maths lecture last Monday (and what a complete waste of money that was). I caught the ferry from Circular Quay back to Huntley's Cove for the first time in three years. I even travelled all the way back to school hoping to see my Maths teacher for a revision lesson, but found no one to be there.

Me and Erinna,
on the last *actual* school day.
It was the first FULL lunch break that
I spent in the common room.

And of course, the continuous thoughts on school and life when I first started at St Catherine's. They keep coming back and replaying themselves in my head over and over again. I still can't get over how I'll never have another recess break ever again. And the fact that I'll never be in three bands at once again. And never having to follow bells and going to assembly and...

Nommy, me and Kathy,
on one random recess break.

Man, the lengths I'd go through just to spend the last week at school all over again.

Cheers.

We're at the end.

2007-09-29T11:35:00.000+08:00

We made it.
(Click photo for Facebook albums)

School is finally over. I don't say that with great excitement or great enthusiasm. I say it with great sadness. All my life as it is now, I have imagined this very day as one of victory and celebration. It is, but never did I imagine the feelings of overwhelming sadness that comes together with the end. It's been such a great journey -- the ups and downs included. I'm going to miss school so much.

The last length of this journey is just around the corner. The HSC is all that's left. This is going to be the most difficult four weeks to come of my life.

Pictures of the end of school days are uploaded on my Facebook. :)

Cheers.

And now, the end is near.

2007-09-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

Haven't been blogging for the last couple of days, I know. I'm sorry. I've been very busy at school with work and preparations for the end of school.

---

With only two days of school left, one of which is our Year 12 muck-up day, I've been busy with our boarders' muck-up plans and so forth. You know, we're really only talking about one day of school left. Actual school, where we sit in class and learn. I've been having alot of mixed feelings about leaving school, and it's so hard to explain them in words. Nothing can describe how I feel right now. There are words to describe fear, excitement, sadness and optimism. But is there a word to describe everything in one? I guess confusion may be a word, but come on there's got to be more than that.

I've been thinking alot about how far I've come. From my days in primary school, and on to my middle school years of 7, 8 and 9 in an international school. Right up to my high school years of 10, 11 and 12. I knew that one day I'd leave school, and I was going to feel free and happy and excited. Little did I think about the feelings that would overcome me in the final days of school.

In the last few days I made the effort to appreciate everything -- everything I ever loved, or hated. Everything I never did, I did. It felt as if life as I know it had a new meaning. Life is going to be like this. We are constantly moving forward into the future, and there are going to be times where we'll have no choice but to move on and start anew. We'll meet new people, and make new friends -- at the same time we might even lose a few, yet we still move on. We'll feel sad about making changes, transitions and moving on with life -- and it still won't stop us from moving forward.

I'm really going to miss school. I really will. The classes I had to put up with; the friends who I have known for what feels like a lifetime; the teachers who persistently supported me in every single way; the boarding house life I have adapted so much into; the school I have hated and despised so much when I first came, and have learnt to appreciate it very much now -- I'm going to miss it all.

I'm not sure how to end this entry. I guess all I could say is this is it. Life moves on, and so do we. Christ I feel like crying right now as I write this.

To those who are leaving school this year, to those who are saying goodbye to what we thought at the beginning was hell -- good luck.

Cheers.

PS. Again, it's funny how we like to initially think that time ticks by far too slow for our lives and in the end we find ourselves too far ahead of it that it frightens you. It frightens me anyway.

PPS. Valedictory Dinner tomorrow night for the boarders. I'm so afraid of moving on.

PPPS. Last week's Year 12 Staff-Student dinner was awesome. Food was great, and the fact that we got to mingle with the teachers made it one special night.

Yetpet :)
From left* Kwan, me, Kathy, Nom and Jude.

Sputnik 1

2007-09-13T18:44:00.000+08:00

Here's a little piece of information I thought I'd share with everyone!

In 1957, the USSR launched the world's first satellite
into space called Sputnik. Half a year later in 1958,
the Americans launch their
first satellite called Explorer I,
which exploded after lifting off
half a metre from the ground.

Talk about embarrassing.

---

Random. I'd been studying the space race as part of the superpower rivalry during the Cold War earlier tonight. It's interesting anyway.

I've caught a cold. Surprise, surprise. It's weird because I haven't been this sick in the last six months and I'm generally a healthy person compared to others in the boarding house. I have a feeling however that it is a result of stress from school. Ah, my good friend stress.

KvB Raffles College of Design is having an open day, and Ploy and I have decided to go together to check it out. It's my reason to get out of the boarding house to do a bit of shopping after that ;)

I've found that I have so many options to choose from if I don't get into UTS next year. There's TAFE, numerous private colleges like Billy Blue and Raffles, or I could take a half a year or a full year off to do short courses, diplomas and etc to make a portfolio... There're so many thing to choose from that I'm getting confused from it. I still want to go to university, of course. That's my main priority right now -- getting in. But otherwise, where else could I go?

I was sitting in English today, listening for a change. My teacher was talking about imagining ourselves having our schoolies break. She mentioned a beach, crystal clear and blue sea, cocktails beside you... That's what I want to do. I'm hoping mum or dad can help fund for a vacation to Singapore, where I will unleash the party animal within, together with Jude. Then both of us will go to an island or some beautiful resort away from everything and rest on the sand, drinking cocktails all day. Ohh, I can feel it already.

Aside from looking forward to the holidays, I've been studying. Yes I have.

I'm going to bed now. I'm tired and I need to rest.

Cheers.

PS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAUN :)
(You're probably not be reading this, but at least
the thought counts as something)

Transitions.

2007-09-11T18:36:00.000+08:00

APEC weekend was spent bumming in the city at Kwan's place with herself and Kathy. Beside the fact that we did absolutely nothing productive, we went shopping (where I spent over $400 on clothes and a new fragrance), did alot of walking around, explored the expanding ability of our stomachs to a great extent, had a taste of Kathy's wonderful Kim Chi Bo Gum Bab (unsure of spelling, please excuse -- Kimchi fried rice) had a big sukiyaki dinner at Nom's place, drank (at least I did) a fair bit of alcohol and became great buddies with the employees at VideoEzy in the course of four days.

Oh yes, it was greaaaat fun. The money I spent on clothes was for the Year 12 staff-student dinner next Wednesday. I bought a pair of Nudie skinny jeans, which is something very new to me -- but I vowed myself to make a change to my wardrobe, so I've been in such a shopping mood. God bless my father and the credit card he gave me.

It was funny too, during the long weekend Kwan, Kathy and I would be sitting in the living room of Kwan's apartment playing NinDS, watching movies, eating choco-pie and various Korean treats, and surfing the internet at 50 kilobytes per second -- and every 10 minutes we'd hear protests happening somewhere in the city, echoing throughout. Couple of minutes later, we'd hear police sirens wailing, and the protests would quiet down.

---

Things seem to be moving very quickly. I'm afraid of how much time I've missed out on studying, and how time seems to be moving too fast to catch up with. At the same time, I'm feeling very excited at the prospect of the end of school and the start of a new beginning that is soon to come. I've been counting the days. We have thirteen days left of Year 12 - of school life. Two weeks later, we'll all be sitting for the exams that will lead us into the next road of life. Another two weeks later, I start my 3-4 month holiday.

And it's stressing sometimes, when I think about it. What if I don't do well in exams? I don't seem to be working hard now - does that mean it's all over for me in the next month and a bit? What if I don't get into the university course I want? Where to after that?

Sigh, damn these transitions of life.

Cheers.

One, the loneliest number.

2007-09-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

I was asked about what my plans were for after the HSC again, and as usual I said I was going to stay in Sydney till December when I will go to Speech Night to graduate. I said I'd probably get a job and earn some money for a new camera, or maybe even a holiday. Maybe even take up driving lessons and do my 50 hours to get my P1 licence. I might visit old friends like my Year 8-9 English teacher Mr Bennett and his family who have been nagging me to visit them up on the North coast, or Nurie who's down in Canberra.

It made me think about how I wanted to celebrate my end of school life and the end of the dreadful HSC, and judging from the plans I have made for November it seems so dull and unlike a typical Year 12 student who has finished their HSC and only wants to celebrate. My boarding house friends would all be home, or in another part of the world celebrating - travelling, partying and everything else. I haven't heard much from my KL friends, and I guess they'll have their own plans too.

I'm now weighing up these two options: Fly home 1-2 weeks after the HSC, and catch up with friends and just generally be home. The other option is to stay in Sydney till December, when I will graduate from school life properly and fly home with my mum later. I don't know if I can even go home because mum'll be in Sydney till December.

Right, I've just typed up a whole lot of rubbish that only justifies the stress I've been experiencing in the last couple of days, especially during Maths and Biology classes where I'm literally clenching my teeth and holding in the tears of frustration with myself.

I think I need to sleep.

Cheers.

PS. Boarders' weekend tomorrow afternoon to Sunday. Prepare for dormancy.

PPS. I wish I had more friends. I feel so alone.

Rhetorical questions.

2007-09-02T19:00:00.000+08:00

You know those times when you're just thinking to yourself, conversing with the back of your head about what you thought about last night's movie, or this morning's breakfast? Rhetorical questions, are they not? And of course, there are the deeper things that you ask yourself about like the relationships in your life and just life in general.

I hoarded myself with rhetorical questions today, lots of them. I asked myself important questions about my presence in Sydney. I asked myself what I was doing in Sydney, my purpose. I asked myself whether it would be a waste if I don't do well in the HSC and in the end don't get into the university course of my choice. I asked myself if giving up now is the right option. I asked myself if there's enough time to turn the tables, to make my final year at school right.

I asked myself those questions in hope that I would change myself. Perhaps, if I asked enough questions like that I would feel motivated to act. Perhaps, if I kept asking the right questions I could find an answer to everything and it'll be all right.

Two weeks ago I felt studious, and motivated. I got on that train, and it felt great. Couple of days ago I hopped off for a breather, and the train left without me. Along with it, my belongings -- all of which represent health, self-control, confidence, consistency, motivation and others of the kind. The train is still moving, at a constant speed and I'm trying so hard to get back on my feet to run after it. I just can't find the motivation to get moving again.

I really hate this. I really do. I'm having trouble with my mother and sister. I don't talk to my sister and I refuse to even care about her (why should I when she makes it clear that she doesn't want anyone to be concerned for her). I've been hanging up midway through every conversation I've had with my mum for the past week, after she left Sydney. I just can't bare to listen to her. It stresses me out. I'm so tired, and it really sucks when your family don't know how the hell you feel. Sucks even more when you just can't communicate your feelings to your family because they don't understand.

Perhaps I'm just tired, and this whole entry's been a load of jack shit. I don't know. I'm going to brush my teeth, continue reading Wuthering Heights and hope that tomorrow will be a new beginning.

Cheers.

The engagement.

2007-09-01T09:13:00.000+08:00

Daniel and Satsuki,
engaged.
The men who I love are now under
a new criteria:

married.

Oh well, congratulations to the two! :)
Click picture for the story.

Merdeka.

2007-08-31T16:33:00.000+08:00

Merdeka!
Happy 50th Birthday, Malaysia.
Sorry I couldn't be there to stick plastic flags on my balcony,
or sing Negaraku over and over again,
or do anything that really reflects the true Malaysian identity.
Promise I'll eat all the nasi lemak and
curry laksa when I return in December.
Cheers.

---

PS. Going to UNSW's open day tomorrow morning,
then meeting up with EJ in the city. Exciting.

PPS. I really need to study.

I hate.

2007-08-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

I hate people who say things, or make promises
and don't live up to their word.
And what makes it even worse is that
they don't even realise it.

It really hurts sometimes.

---

PS. UTS was awesome. I'm so going to do it.
PPS. Staying at our apartment during the APEC conferences, the next boarders' weekend. Alone. What a bummer.

Post-trials

2007-08-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

I got a couple of my trial exam papers back, and for once, I am considering the idea of keeping the figures to myself this time. Perhaps the shame of not achieving the marks that deep down inside, I felt I could do with the amount of work I put in (like Maths, for example) really hit me. The results, if you haven't already guessed from the previous sentences of this entry, were shithole.

But no worries, right? It's just the trials. The real thing is in less than two months I believe, so I've still got time --- I must've been living in a dream thinking that. After a long (well, it seemed to be long) one hour session with my new English/History tutor on Tuesday (I will from now on be referring to him as Peter, as that is his name), the fact that I don't deserve to fail the HSC struck a nerve and I feel so determined to set things onto the right track. I now have a study plan that I've been following, and there's a constant want to study and to take things more seriously than before. It's such a good sign. Thing is, I really hope this motivation and determination stays with me for the rest of the year -- hell, the rest of my life.

There are only less than 8 weeks left till the HSC, and there's just no time to fuck around anymore. There are no second chances now. It's all downhill from here.

---

This weekend! Saturday. UTS and USYD are having open days. Next Saturday is UNSW, but that's for another blog entry some time in the near future. It'll be great. Hopefully my visit to UTS (finally) will give me a scope on the Visual Communications course I want to do. Since it's post-trials, all the Year 12s are beginning to apply for universities etc etc. It's going to be a busy next couple of weeks!

Better get going now.

Cheers.

PS. Got a new haircut. I feel so much better. I'm considering not growing my hair out. It's stupid.

PPS. Mum gave me these new multivitamins that are supposed to be REALLY good (proven by her doctor or whatever) for memory, health and everything. Or something. Anyway, everytime I remember something, I wonder if that's just me or the new multivitamins doing their thing. Yes, you may refer to me as a nutcase.

Happy 18th, Jude :)

2007-08-22T19:13:00.000+08:00

DANIEL (Henney, of course) AND I
DECIDED TO COME TOGETHER IN MAKING A
PUBLIC BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT,
WISHING YOU A VERY, VERY
HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY! :)

Cheers, dude.

Trials are over!

2007-08-19T10:03:00.000+08:00

TRIALS ARE OVER!!Party for the next two months,do the HSC and we're partying again!

Hmm, now that felt good. I was done by Thursday afternoon, and haven't been able to jump online to tell you all the good news. It's been a very busy last couple of days too, and our dodgy 28.8kb/s internet connection doesn't help.

I had a three hour Biology exam on Wednesday, and a 30 minute Japanese speaking exam on Thursday, which actually made me wait for three and a half hours for my turn as I was the last one to do it. It was very painful, besides the fact that ~~people~~ someone came to visit me and made conversation about Biology and Physics while I was destressing by singing Inner Circle's Sweat out loud!

I'm currently at our apartment at Huntley's Cove, on this term's first boarders long weekend (I have Monday off!). Mum's here, she's reading yesterday's newspaper (which sported the frontpage of DRAG RACING BUS DRIVERS -- bizarre!); sister's here too, she's having a shower. What have I done all weekend?

Thursday afternoon was spent buying groceries and what not to stock up the fridge. Mum had arrived that morning, so we had a super early dinner at our favourite sushi train in Chatswood, Makoto. Friday was spent with Ew-Jun and mum all afternoon. We headed up to Flemington for our favourite bowl of Vietnamese beef noodles, and went shopping at the factory outlet store nearby, which had the BIGGEST Converse shoe store I had ever seen (and good cheap prices too)! Dropped by at the apartment to show EJ around the place, and headed back to school to pick Ri up. Mum dropped EJ and I off at the city, and we parted ways.

Friday night was spent with the girls at Darling Harbour, which I really thought was Circular Quay (where I waited for an hour just watching the ferries come into the quay and out). Had dinner at some pancake place at the Harbour Side Mall, and headed all over the place throughout the night. Yeah it was good :)

Mum and I went shopping yesterday afternoon. Mum got me some books for English and a new pair of Converse John Varvatos. Any of Rilo Kiley's albums were nowhere to be found. They can't be that obscure! Had dinner at mum's cousin's place, Chris who cooked a great chinese feast for us -- it was excellent. Stuffed with his fried rice, ba kut teh (spelling?) style soup and vegetables, we sat around his electronic heater talking and playing with Alicia's (our little niece of two years) toys. Watched The Simpsons Movie last night -- hilarious. Spidey Pig and Harry Porker anyone? :P

Supposed to be going shopping today, but the weather doesn't help at all. I dream about running away from mutated humans again. It's been two nights in a row now, and I'm trying to figure out whether it's all the excited thoughts about Daniel's new movie The Invasion or something beyond explanation.

Apologies if this entry sounds like a dictation of what my week's been all about. :)

Cheers.

PS. Sure, the party's on for the end of trials. But when you think about it, it just means that we're one step closer to the HSC -- the end. At this rate, I'm really not ready for the big thing. I don't see how I'm going to pull through something like that. Oh well, I guess the dominant thing that pulling me through is the want to get into university. That's all. Oh, and schoolies.

Crash sites keep me up at night.

2007-08-12T18:41:00.000+08:00

Just counting up all the hours I've put into studying this weekend makes me feel good. I studied an approximate total of twelve hours from Friday to now. And what have I accomplished in those twelve highly productive hours? Two out of three and a half sets of Biology notes and a Japanese report. Do I feel good? I feel great.

The thing was, this weekend I felt a strange urge to study. I just wanted to sit infront of my computer, type notes and read through all my summaries on Biology. I do have to admit though, that my eyes are starting to turn cross-eyed and my bum is getting accustomed to staying still for long periods of time. I think it's from the lighter psychological weight on my mind that's taking place. The fact that I only have two exams left, and I'm well on-top of things for the moment is giving me the confidence I need to do something. It's so nice to feel this way.

Saturday morning was spent at the gym, attempting to sneak a sprint or two into my walk. I'd injured myself last week, and was told not to do any exercise for a while. I'm reluctant. I insisted on having a run anyway. It didn't get me far though. My body's still aching, from all the rowing. The pain's a good sign.

Spent the rest of Saturday doing touch-ups for my Maintaining a Balance notes, printing them and catching up with Ew-Jun. Eventhough our little social was cut short, it was really nice meeting up with him again. We're catching up for lunch next week (hopefully!) when mum comes down to Sydney, so that'll be great. Dropped by at Kwan's place for a while, and headed back to the boarding house just in time for dinner.

The Sunday was just like every other Sunday, minus the gym with Kathy. Jude, Pear, Kathy and I headed up the road for breakfast at Bellagio, which I found rather awkward when we got the table next to my twice-ex-history teacher and Stage 6 convenor, Ms Schey. She's nice, anyway. It was all fine, minus the part where Jude started reading out stories of 15-year-olds masturbating and 12-year-olds thinking of sex from Girlfriend. We decided after breakfast that we'd all walk off our meals by going to Bronte beach, and back. The weather was perfect for a walk to the beach. It feels as if winter is taking its hike.

I think I'll talk to dad tonight. I really miss him.

Cheers.

PS.

zeroesxones.livejournal.com
I decided to make a new private LJ.
Not only was I feeling bored, but I was starting
to get tired of reading my old kamikazerae entries.
Add me if you've got an LJ.
I'll be filtering out who I add,
so make sure you identify yourself!
Otherwise,
get a LiveJournal, then add me.

Splashes of colour and mum.

2007-08-08T14:34:00.000+08:00

Day 4 of Trials: English Advanced Paper 2 completed. And how do I think I went? Failed.

Modern History tomorrow.
I need to prepare for a 3 hour exam over 4 large topics on
WW1, India 1919-47, Muhammed Ali Jinnah
and the Cold War (up to the Cuban Missile Crisis).
And how much have I done so far?
Completed WW1 notes. Half of the Indian syllabus.
I'm screwed, aren't I?

---

Apart from the slow progress of failing every one of my HSC trial examinations, I've been all right. The trials don't seem to be part of my list of priorities, and it really worries me. It just doesn't feel like I'm having exams right now. It feels like a holiday, only strangely different. I've been doing a dangerous amount of procrastination, which always leaves me extremely tired, unmotivated and depressed.

I haven't had a good conversation with anyone from home in a very long time. I used to call mum every week and tell her about what's been happening at school and all the new things that I want to talk about. But lately she's been so busy and tired, that she doesn't have the time and energy to listen to me. It's as if her parental nature of being caring and patient with me has shut down, for unclear reasons. Whenever I tell her about how I've done in an exam, she'll make it clear to me of what I'm not doing at the moment, which is studying. Whenever I tell her about something that has happened in Sydney, she'll change the topic (most likely to be out of her conscious) and she'll be muttering things to herself. It's like you come home from school wanting to tell everybody you know about what happened in fourth period (for example) - so you call your mum up and all she asks you is whether you've been studying hard or not.

I've been so tired of her complete disregard for me that I've stopped calling her unless absolutely necessary. I understand that she's tired, and that's also part of the reason why I stopped calling. I'm tired too, and experiencing my own share of the stress -- and I guess my stresses and problems of school life and adulthood isn't the best thing to unload onto a very tired mother.

So here I am, sitting here taking a break before I continue studying for tomorrow afternoon's exam, and all I want to do is talk to someone. Mum's coming down for the boarders weekend the weekend after this one, and you know what -- there's a part of me that is happy that she's coming, and there's another part of me that doesn't want her to come. That other part that isn't looking forward to her arrival doesn't want to face someone who I haven't had much contact with over the last couple of weeks. I feel like a terrible daughter to say something like that, but that's how I feel.

I hope my feelings change. They probably will. But imagine: my sister, mum and I in the same household for one weekend. It spells trouble, and I can feel it. It's one reason why I kept wanting to come back to Sydney during the last holidays. I hate it when they fight. No, I hate it when my sister verbally bullies my mother. The sad part is that mum doesn't do a thing about it, and I can't do a thing about it either.

---

We spent just about the whole afternoon after the English exam colouring. I was meant to be studying, but instead I found a more powerful distraction of fixing up the pony that Jude started colouring in.

Pony at the top with the gay colours spashed everywhere is mine.
I call it the "Chinese Pony" because it looked like a cheaply made Chinese toy.
The Little Mermaid was done by Jude, the other pony colouring of hearts and rainbows was by Nom, and so was the Hello Kitty.

We gathered around Jude's bed and coloured away for about 3 hours,
listening to old pop music (S Club 7, BSB, Moffatts anyone?)
and singing along to them.

Yep, we were that bored!

---

I better get going on those Indian history notes! Meeting up with Ew-Jun on Saturday afternoon (hopefully!) for a social around the city. Just walking like last time x) Can't wait to get out of this stress hole!

Cheers.

PS.

The boys did it!
CONGRATS GUYS :)
Click picture to read their last log entry!

Hello, I'm procrastinating.

2007-08-05T16:56:00.000+08:00

So I've got an exam tomorrow right, at 8.30 in the morning. English Paper 1, that's what it is. It's about the Area of Study: Journeys. Right, so all I'm supposed to do is turn up, read a bunch of texts and answer short questions on them, write a creative piece based on journeys and then write an essay on Coleridge's poems, a stimulus booklet text and one of my choice. No, it's not much to do. It's only a two hour exam anyway, no big deal. No big fuckin' deal.

Now that was sarcasm, if you hadn't already noticed. I am royally screwed for tomorrow's English exam, and I don't seem to be doing anything about it. I think it's called procrastinating. Ah, yes. Good ol' procrastinating. See this right here? Me, blogging about the exam tomorrow -- this is me procrastinating.

The thing is, I don't know whether I want to care about the exam tomorrow. English is my weakest subject, and it's the only subject I refuse to spend any time on and do any work for. I'll study hard for every other subject but English, and it kind of worries me that I don't do a thing about it. I know I won't do well, therefore I won't be expecting anything great as a result of tomorrow and Wednesday's exams. But I have a strong feeling that after the exams, once I receive my results back, I'll be wishing I did study for that exam. And when the next time comes around, I wonder if I'll be reliving the same mistake again.

I really hope I don't.

Wish me luck,
cheers.

PS. Today was the first time I rode a bicycle in 5 years. Walked to Centennial Park with friends for some morning exercise. I hadn't felt so free in such a long time. :)

The Secret.

2007-08-01T16:45:00.000+08:00

Edited! :) --

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident
to you that anyone that ever accomplished anything, did not
know how they were going to do it.
They only know they were going to do it."
~ Bob Proctor

It's called the law of attraction, people. The law of freakin' attraction.

Trials are going to start with one helluva bang this Friday with a three hour Maths paper that starts at 9 in the morning. Ohhhhhhh great! And you can only guess who's not feeling prepared for it.

But strangely enough, I'm not as worried about Maths than I am for English. I don't feel confident about Maths, nevertheless, considering how much study I've put into it. It's just not enough to give me a mark that I can smile and be pleased about. But English. The preparation I have put into that is almost non-existent, and I suppose that's what really worries me. I've written two prep essays, but they're both of the same module. There are three modules and a whole bunch of related text I need to know - which I haven't actually found yet.

I'm really screwed this time. I guess there's always the final exams in October, if we're looking at this positively? :]

Cheers.

PS. Left Salinger up on the bookshelf for now. Currently reading Rhonda Byrne's The Secret. All I can say is the law of attraction.

PPS. Thought about studying advertising in NYC, rang mum who implied I wasn't cut out for it and threw the idea away. It's so terribly out of my reach anyway! I'm now focused on UTS.

PPPS. Again, like so many of my other friends who don't even know that Raeville exists, she wouldn't realised I wished her here. It's the thought that counts... ?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DHIVYA! :)

My grey room.

2007-07-29T15:47:00.000+08:00

I know what it feels like now, to have no one important in your life who has faith in you.

What do you do when the very people you keep close to your heart tell you you're not cut out to follow your aspirations? Do you keep going forward, bearing thoughts that can weigh you down? Or do you drop your aspirations, your dreams and everything to follow the words of someone who has concerns for you and your path? I mean, they probably know better and don't mean to put you down, right?

I don't know what I want anymore. I'm so tired of being pushed back by people who think they know better, that I don't want to move forward anymore.

And what makes me feel even worse is the fact that there's just no one to run to for faith, hope and encouragement anymore.

I want to give up.

School so far.

2007-07-26T18:42:00.000+08:00

Things haven't been looking as great, but I'm currently in a position where I can say that things are better. I'm still not over the loss of my phone, but the thought that there will be better things in time to come helps me move on. Better things like a new phone at the end of this term, and the long weekend following the trials that start next week. And the little things like learning a new song on the guitar that's got a part for me to improvise, going to the gym 3 times a week to get endorphins running through you, and getting an effort award for four out of five subjects that you do -- these are the little things that make me feel better.

I've started English tutoring. I have an English tutor, rather. I haven't actually had any classes yet. Not till next Tuesday afternoon. I haven't even started and my new tutor (who goes by the name Peter) has given me a mammoth amount of homework. I've heard of his highly critical ways and strong sarcasm, so that should really be the encouragement I need to get everything done.

Thoughts of the end of school nearing have really been disturbing my mind for the past few days. It's not easy to avoid. Everyone is filling in their references for tutors and there have been alot of universities coming to school to give talks about different courses and etc. I recently received a copy of the UAC 2008 Guide, which is the official guidebook for all major NSW universities, the courses they provide and the requirements to enter. Upon receiving the book, I have learnt that the Visual Communications course at UTS requires a UAI of 81! It's only 90 if you want to have the government pay for your fees, but if you're a full fee paying student, it's 81! So now I have a new target UAI -- 85. It's achievable, in my mind. Eventhough it's 5 off from my last target, it feels more achievable. Let's hope I have the strength of mind to make it happen.

I'll be off now.
I need to read about the origins of the Cold War before going to bed.

Cheers.

PS. What do you think, Sony Ericsson W660i or K810i? I don't like the buttons of the K810i, and I'd much prefer the walkman's design... But the K810's camera is super cool, although that doesn't bother me very much. Hmm!

PPS. I know she probably wouldn't read this (ever), but...

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO MELISSA!

Top 10 songs that make me feel LIEK OHHYEAZ.

2007-07-21T19:57:00.000+08:00

Ewan loves Top 10 lists,
and so do I...
Do you?

Love Machine (Girls Aloud Cover) - The Arctic Monkeys
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
Little of Your Time - Maroon 5
Helicopter - Bloc Party
I Wish - Stevie Wonder
Teddy Picker - The Arctic Monkeys
Friday Night - The Darkness
The Joker - Jason Mraz
Rookie Jet - the pillows
Broken Face - The Pixies

---

Been feeling pretty shit lately. Still no sign of my dear mobile phone. What's more, I got a new sim card with the same number, but the phone won't accept it anymore after I tried many times without thinking to change the sim card's password. Now Vodafone won't answer my calls because they don't work on weekends and I'm far too not screwed to go out to the shopping centre. I think I'm far too stressed out, hence all the mistakes I keep making this week.

However, I've found that being moody and unhappy makes me study harder. I spent the whole afternoon and what was left of my morning studying. I completed notes for one Biology topic. It was pretty amazing. I chose sitting infront of my laptop typing notes up over everything else. Well, mainly because the trial exams are in less than 3 weeks time, and I don't want to screw it up.

I want a sign. I want a sign saying everything's going to be all right. I hate feeling like every next move will be something I will regret. I hate feeling shrouded in misfortune, without a sign of hope anywhere in sight. I hate feeling miserable in every step I take. I want a sign. I need a sign. I want thinks to be all right again.

Hence the Top 10 list! Music always gives me an uplifting. These ones, especially :)

I'm missing home so much. I'm not usually like this.

Cheers.

13.

2007-07-19T16:48:00.000+08:00

Some may say that the number thirteen has an unlucky and rather unfortunate significance. Others may say that it symbolises good luck. Now, I'm not a very superstitious person, but the last 24 hours has been questionable.

We live on the 38th floor, and when we're in a rush, we like to get to the lobby in one go - without anyone else wanting to hop onto our lift. We were all ready to go to the airport and entered the slow lift (we know all the different lifts and their speeds!). I wasn't having the best of evenings at the time, and I was feeling very pessimistic and annoyed at everyone (as every angsty teenager feels). The lift stops on the thirteenth floor, and I thought of the craziest thing. There wasn't anyone there, so we hit the close button and continued to the lobby. Now the craziest thing here is that I actually felt that stopping on the thirteenth floor was a sign. I have stronger beliefs in the idea that the number thirteen is one of luck, rather than the idea that it was unlucky. My mood had a bit of an uplifting from then on.

Twenty minutes later and a good distance away from the apartment, my maid calls me to tell me that I had left a key in my drawer - the key to my safe box in the boarding house. It didn't really matter, anyway. It was just a key, and Mrs Wilson would have master keys.

I'm back in Sydney now, and still in the process of unpacking my bags and tidying everything up. This afternoon, I learnt that my mobile phone was missing. It was no where to be found. I checked all my pockets and bags, rang it a couple of times to listen for the vibrating sounds -- nothing. I suspected that I dropped it while in the taxi on the way to school. I put it in my hoodie's pocket, which isn't the deepest pocket around. The fact that mum and I discussed future mobile phones a few days ago, and that I had been trying to talk myself out of being too materialistic - it scares me. I'm now using my sister's old phone, while everything gets sorted out. I'd be using my backup phone if I hadn't lost my key to the safe. All my numbers are lost now, and valuable photographs and videos. Even though I'm not particularly popular through the phone, I still feel so naked without it.

So I don't know if this number thirteen had anything to do with this unfortunate streak of events. I like to believe that it's all a bunch of nonsense, but I can't help but wonder.

I blew my lamp's bulb and I only had two hours of sleep last night and I've got a whole lot of catching up to do tonight. I just don't know any more.

Cheers.

6000 miles.

2007-07-18T18:23:00.000+08:00

Today is not a good day to be flying. If I only had the time to take a picture of what I see from my bedroom window - one nasty storm, soon to arrive.

I'd have to say that I'm not pleased with the effort I put into studying during these holidays. Not as much as I had hoped to achieve, and I'm disappointed. But the fact that I will have 3 weeks to go till the trials keeps me sane, and that's all that matters. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on all the study I should have done.

I'm not ready to go back yet. My suitcase says it all. I've carried so many books over to KL, that now it's all about carrying them back with a very limited weight allowance. And one would think that the Malaysians are alot lenient in giving leeway -- wrong.

I have a strong feeling that my bags will be overweight and I will be forced to carry some of my books on the plane.

Did I ever mention that I hate flying?
I do anyway.

See you 6000+ miles later.

For your own consideration.

2007-07-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

I've come to a conclusion. In a previous post, I recall talking about my mum thinking my father's absence from a big chunk of my life had affected my confidence to ask for and ability to deserve things. I'm a considerate person. I really am. I put others before myself, and sometimes I go to terribly far lengths. I'm forever thinking about other people before myself, and forever wondering if what I do is enough to please them. I suppose it's like my weakness. I can be too much of a pushover, and most of the time I don't feel the need to do something about it. When it comes to family, I rarely ask for things I want unless it's my birthday or Christmas - why? I care about my family, financially. I get so worried about how much they spend on these little things like a new guitar or a new mobile phone, and this worry turns into a feeling of guilt. As if, I feel bad for asking. Take my grandparents for example. They are forever asking me if I want anything. If I rang up now and asked for a new phone, my grandmum would take me out tomorrow and we'd both go mobile phone hunting. I would be back, blogging about my new phone to you, and telling you how nice my grandmum was.

No, I'm not like that. Everytime they ask me if I want anything, I tell them nothing. I'm being considerate. Perhaps considerate isn't even the right word. Perhaps it's more of my nature of being a pushover. I guess this weakness has it's good points and bad.

---

Oh, Christ.
You can actually see me in the reflection.
*facepalm*

Mum and I got up early to head up to Low Yat Plaza for graphic tablet hunting. I'd done my research on Wacom tablets and I kept my eyes on their Graphire series. Mum insisted that we got a bigger drawing area, rather than a small 5x4. So we ended up with this, the Wacom Graphire4 6x8. It's such good fun to use! It'll take some time to get used to. I'm hoping to improve my drawing skills with this sleek baby.

I purposely picked silver over white,
to match my future Macbook Pro.

My Biology tutoring is finally over. All done. I feel so relieved. On the other hand, looking at my wall of homework/study plan, I still have a ton of things to do!

English -- Wuthering Heights essay, Frontline essay, Area of Study essay, related texts collecting.
Biology -- type out notes for all topics.
Japanese -- do homework sheets, write speech for HSC prep.
Mod History -- complete homework pack, write practice essay on WW1 source analysis, Jinnah essay, India essay, Cold War revision, notes.

As you can see, I still have so much to do in so little time. I'm not going to get everything done by Wednesday, that's for sure. I'll just leave it for the weekend, I think. All these holidays, I've been focusing on so much Maths and soon after, Biology, that I totally left everything else for later. I'm a fool.

Miami Ink is on now! :D

Cheers!

Time is just a melody.

2007-07-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

Had our last big Rae's get-together last night for the next six months to come. Mum and Inday cooked up a storm of a BBQ on our balcony for just over a dozen people. It was great. Alot of catching up, eating, playing games and singing. I had the usual crew over, and it was great seeing everyone together again. We had such a blast (literally), that our neighbours who live below our unit made an actual appearance at our doorstep, telling us how angry she was with the "thumping noises" coming from our unit.

Su and me!
I was attempting to pull off the James Bond pout,
Daniel Craig style...

I failed. CLEARLY.

These holidays sure have gone by real quick. It feels as if I just arrived home yesterday. I can't help but wonder what on Earth I spent all that time on to make it feel like nothing. Time is such a strange measure. Whenever we want to move forward, time slows down and our forever hungry curiosity overtakes it. But whenever we want to stay in the moment, time speeds up ahead of us. It's strange, and frightening. If we continue to not notice how fast time flies, we would be ten years into the future right now. I used to tell myself not to think about time, during my days in Sydney at school. It was only to let time take over without notice. It looks like we will forever be in some kind of complicated relationship with time.

Shaza and Ray singing.
Ray likes to think that the microphone affects
his score, not the fact that he's tone deaf.

I like thinking about the future, along with the many other people out there. I like to wonder what my everyday life would be like after school. I like to imagine myself driving to college/uni, and planning dinner for that night. I like to imagine myself working in a big company, slowly making my way up the ladder. Everything seems so distant, yet I like to think that my future will turn out as planned. But we all know that it never does, and that's what makes it so frightening - the future, that is. It's so dark, yet we like to imagine that there's light there, creating a clear picture of what we believe to be as our lives laid down for us. I like to see myself in a big company, earning a good salary and doing great things - but what frightens me the most is seeing myself reach that point in my life and thinking of what went wrong.

Maybe it's best that we don't ponder on the future all the time. Maybe it's best we let time take lead and we'll just follow it. Is it all right to have what we imagine to be our perfect lives in the future, and follow that path? Or would it be better to let things happen, and seize the day when the right opportunity comes? Here's where the pessimist in me comes out.

My little cousin Ji-Han and me.
Myspace-style!
... so unattractive.

Have a think about it. Would you rather follow a path, going from planned dot to dot; or just let everything come as they are, without a plan? Honestly, I would still think about the future. The fact that it's frightening can't stop me. But for me, I'll be the one without the map.

Cheers.

Damn depth and detail.

2007-07-13T12:19:00.001+08:00

Spent the time that was set aside for my English essay last night watching Because I Said So. It wasn't great, but a really nice mother/daughter movie. I really only liked it because there's was this cute guitarist in colourful clothes (namely, Gabriel Macht! :3) who was so sweet and- Look, the point is, I spent my time watching movies rather than doing my stupid English essay, which I did this morning. Woke up early for it and even sacrificed tennis for it. It's done, anyway. I spent about 2-3 hours writing it. It's such a half-done job that Ms Knorr might feed it to her cat and tell me she lost it.

---

We went out to Bijou for dinner last night. I figured mum was lazy to cook, since we're having a BBQ today. She gave Ri and I a big lecture about wanting things. She said that if you want something bad enough, all you have to do is be positive enough to have it right in front of you, and that is exactly what you'll get. I believe otherwise. I have the nature to feel bad about asking for things for my pleasure, and for perfectly good reasons. I could even call it paranoia. You see, I feel bad about asking for things like a new guitar or a laptop because I always have the feeling that my parents will say no. And for this very reason, I never try unless my birthday or Christmas is around the corner and someone asks me for what I want. I also don't ask because I don't like to put any kind of financial pressure on people when it comes to things that aren't necessary, but nice. I argued with mum over this, and her last words to me came out something like this, "Just because your father left doesn't mean you don't deserve anything for yourself!"

Just thinking about it angers me. I don't feel at all affected by my father's departure from the family. I don't. I still see him, I treat him as normal and everything. I can't believe my mother would believe in such a thing as a cause for my nature. It's not something I can explain to someone and make them believe me, because it's me. And sometimes, one just cannot prove their true nature to another person in words.

I've got Biology tutoring now :( I'm so tired.

Cheers.

Back in orange.

2007-07-12T12:24:00.000+08:00

I'm baaaaaaack!
And with a new layout!
It's still in the works, so bare with
the naked-feeling (if any, of course) of Raeville.

---

Going back for another haircut (I had one a few days ago, by the way) later today, seeing that it's already midnight. I told the hairdresser that I was trying to grow it out a bit, and he cut my hair all funny. So much for trying to change my hairstyle.

I recently started Biology tutoring. I realised, with all the tuition I have this week, I've already done approximately 6.5 hours of working, including extra study time. It'll be almost 10 hours by the end of the week. Mum reckons I should have Biology tutoring everyday for the week, miss out on fun time for now and when I return to Sydney, do it there. I don't know if I should appreciate her allowing me to watch Harry Potter in the final weeks coming up to the trials, but I'll just keep that thought aside for now.

Started reading The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger, but I haven't got any time to read. I still have Capote to finish as well. I keep telling myself to finish books then buy new ones, but I never listen. Clearly.

I better start getting ready for bed now. I plan to wake up early to do some Maths. What a wonderful thought, wouldn't you agree?

Cheers.

PS. I watched Happy Feet for the THIRD time... Look, I just really like the music, okay? And it is soooo much more meaningful than random penguins dancing around and what.

BRB!

2007-07-05T09:35:00.000+08:00

Been heaps busy lately, and haven't had the time to properly sit down to blog.
I've been going out pretty much every day, so here's my sad excuse
to make a new graphic with my now-working PSP :)
I'm also planning a new layout for Raeville. I'm getting bored with the blue.
I'll be right back!

PS. Transformers was like fan-freakin'-tastic! So totally orgasmic.
Do yourself a favour and get tickets, NOW.

All this uncertainty.

2007-07-03T17:42:00.000+08:00

It has been twelve days since I got back home and this is what I have achieved in that period of time:

Caught up with cousins and family.
Met with Cassey and some of the crew.
Downloaded 150+ songs.
Wrote one English essay and faxed it to Ms Knorr.
Completed Prison Break season 2
Completed Heroes season 1.
Completed Ugly Betty season 1.
Completed Lost season 3.

And has it been busy? Oh, definitely. I spent approximately 12 hours of last Sunday watching Heroes and Lost. I'd wake up at 9am every morning so I could get a head start. I reckon I've had enough "rest"!

While I was watching TV today, I noticed there was a fax that had arrived. I thought it must be for mum, because she always gets the faxes. I had previously been hoping that Ms Knorr would send me back my essay with feedback, and all the times a fax had come in, it was for mum. This time, it wasn't. It came as such a surprise - my English teacher does care about me after all! Attached to my marked essay was feedback. Turned out I didn't do as bad as I had thought. I just missed out a huge chunk of discussion that I should have included. I now have another essay to write in by the 13th. That should get me into the work mode again!

I've been getting alot of shit about life after school from mum and my relatives. Don't get me wrong, I really like what Billy Blue has to offer, but I'm starting to have doubts. Mum told me that it was going to be very difficult to make a place in the advertising industry. I understand, it's highly competitive. But what workplace isn't? I'm worried that I'm not cut out for graphic design anymore. Mum doesn't like the fact that the course is very artsy-fartsy and requires alot of drawing and creating. But I keep thinking that it's just starting point! I mean, every one's got to start from scratch, right?

My relatives suggested I look elsewhere, like interstate in Australia or maybe even the US or Britain. The reason I didn't look any further was because I'd heard that my dad didn't want Riana and me to be in two different states. Besides, we've already got an apartment over there and that's accommodation being taken cared for. I know the roads better than KL, even. I'd just hate to start over in a totally new environment, that's all.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so troubled and confused. I really liked those times when I was definite about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do there. Now, I'm clouded with uncertainty.

---

I'm so tired of my younger sister being so hostile to my mum. Ever since my sister has been back, she's been so horrible to mum, telling her to shut up and some times hinting to her that she's worthless. And the thing is, mum doesn't do anything about it! She doesn't even stand up for herself! I hate the disrespect she shows to mum. It doesn't just happen in home either. It happens in public too, and it's embarrassing - for me, and most especially my mum. Regardless of who you are, how old you think you are, your parents are two people you must respect. It's not a matter of who made you angry or who didn't let you do what you want, but our parents are the ones who know best and all they want to do is protect us -- am I right?

The worst thing about all of this, is that I can't do a thing about it. Or at least, I don't think I can. The last time I told my sister to do the right thing, she snapped at me and then rebounded all her anger off on my poor mum. I spent my whole supper time in the boarding house trying to calm my mother down. It was so serious that Mrs Wilson had to do something about it. I decided after that day that I wasn't going to be involved in my younger sister's actions, because she'll just have to learn by herself and through her own actions. She never listens to me anyway. She's always wishing I could hug her and other stupid things that don't mean anything - what's the point anyway when she never listens to me?

---

I've got to get ready for dinner tonight. Going to the Laundry Bar at The Curve. To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm feeling frustrated at my sister and the last thing I need is to be sitting around friends who I don't feel as comfortable around with. But I guess I do need to get out. Socialise. I better hurry before someone comes in and gives me a good shouting.

Cheers.

The most stupid things done in your life.

2007-06-30T12:56:00.000+08:00

Stole this from Cassey!

Let's see how many of 122 stupid things I have done ;)

Level 1
Smoked A Cigarette
Smoked A Cigar
Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 1

Level 2
Are / Been In Love
dumped someone
Shoplifted
Been Fired
Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 3

Level 4
Had A Crush On An Older Person
Skipped School
Slept With A Co-worker
Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 6

Level 5
Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
Been To Paris
Been To Spain
Been On A Plane
Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 8

Level 6
Eaten Sushi
Been Snowboarding
Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 9

Level 7
Been In An Abusive Relationship
Taken Pain Killers (Tylenol counts)
Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 12

Level 8
Had A Tea Party
Flown A Kite
Built A Sand Castle
Gone mudding (offroading)
Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 14

Level 9
Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
Gone Sledging
Cheated While Playing A Game
Been Lonely
Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 18

Level 10
Watched The Sun Set
Felt An Earthquake
Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 19

Level 11
Been Tickled
Been Robbed / Vandalized
Been cheated on
Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 22

Level 12
Won A Contest
Been Suspended From School
Had Detention
Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 22

Level 13
Had / Have Braces
Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR : 22

Level 14
Hated The Way You Look
Witnessed A Crime
Pole Danced
Questioned Your Heart
Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 25

Level 15
Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
Been Lost
Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
Swam In The Ocean
Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 28

Level 16
Cried Yourself To Sleep
Played Cops And Robbers
Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
Sang Karaoke
Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 32

Level 17
Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
Made Prank Phone Calls
Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 34

Level 18
Written A Letter To Santa Claus
Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
Blown Bubbles
Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 36

Level 19
Crashed A Party
Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
Gone Rollerskating / Blading
Had A Wish Come True
Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 39

Level 20
Worn Pearls
Jumped Off A Bridge
Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 39

Level 22
Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
Kissed A Fish
Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR : 41

Level 23
Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 42

Level 24
Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
Climbed A Tree
Had/Been In A Tree House
Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 44

Level 25
Believed In Ghosts
Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
Gone Streaking
Visited Jail

SO FAR: 45

Level 26
Played Chicken
Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
Broken A Bone
Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 47

Level 27
Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
Caught A Butterfly
Laughed So Hard You Cried
Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 51

Level 28
Mooned/Flashed Someone
Had Someone Moon/Flash You
Cheated On A Test
Forgotten Someone's Name
French Braided Someones Hair
Gone Skinny Dipping
Been Kicked Out Of Your House
Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 55

Level 29
Rode A Roller Coaster
Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
Had A Cavity
Black-Mailed Someone
Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 57

Level 31
Been Used
Fell Going Up The Stairs
Licked A Cat
Bitten Someone
Licked Someone

SO FAR : 60

Level 32
Been shot at/or at gunpoint
Had sex in the rain
Flattened someones tires
Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
Got five dollars or less worth of gas

TOTAL: 60

I've done HALF of the most stupid things. I'm such a good girl, unlike Cassey (who, by the way, scored 96!). What a weird survey. It has SUSHI as one of the most stupid things.

I love sushi :(

Cheers.

My current struggle.

2007-06-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

Finished my English essay. I did it in two hours with 30 minutes of preparation beforehand. Faxed it off to school. Now it's a matter of whether Ms Knorr got the fax or not. I hope she did. That's just one of the many essays I'm expected to write this holiday. And two hours? Man, I need to speed up.

Watched Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer yesterday afternoon with Cassey and her sister, Ray, Ivan Chong and Riana. It wasn't as bad as I had thought, although I was very disappointed with it's shortness. It only ran for 90 minutes! It felt far too short-lived for a movie. The graphics were pretty cool though. I would've preferred something else like Oceans Thirteen or Transformers though. Both of which are on my to-watch list before heading back to Sydney. My list also includes Half Nelson, Die Hard 4 and POTC: At World's End (which I know, I should've watched AGES ago - but someone was busy studying and preparing for assessment tasks!). I've got alot to catch up on.

---

I've been looking for a little self-confidence in myself lately. It's the self-confidence I need to push myself into change. I've been thinking alot about how there have been many people this year alone who have mistaken me for the opposite sex, and I'm growing tired of it.

First of all, to set the record -- I am straight. I dig men. Doesn't it show from all the times I've spoken about Daniel Craig and Ewan McGregor? Ok. I am straight.

Thing is, it's most likely that no one really knows. And based on first impressions, I'll bet I'm immediately labelled as otherwise. I like to dress like a guy. I like guy's perfume. I like guy things, and I can't help it. It's not like I modelled myself into what I am today on purpose. That's me. But now, that me is facing a struggle. A struggle between what I'm like today, and what I imagine myself to be in the future. And something's got to be done.

I figured that I don't like to dress femininely because I'm unhappy with my body image. I'm afraid to show myself. I'm afraid because I hate my body image. This is my theory. I figured, if I shaped up, I might reconsider changing my look. I might have the confidence to dress differently - to dress like my age. I just can't be wearing khaki shorts for the rest of my life. I'm almost out of school, and I need to start dressing more appropriately - or people will continuously be judging me for otherwise.

However, this self-confidence is not easy to gain. Nobody ever said it is. It takes time to build. I'm just hoping that it won't take too long.

Sometimes, I dare to wonder if my parents' divorce had a play in this. For most of our childhood, Riana and I grew up without a father figure in the house. I start to wonder, what if that was the reason for why I'm like this? Maybe that was all I needed, a father figure in my life while growing up. I remember listening to my English teacher talking about the psycho-analytical approach to texts -- children without a father during their childhood tend to focus on the closest father figure to them. It may be an uncle or a brother, a family friend or some other person. I can't help but wonder if that's why I turned out to be the way I am.

Or maybe I just look too deep into things. I don't know. One thing will remain with me for the rest of the days ahead though -- this change will happen.

Cheers.

PS. Urgh, great. Dinner with dad's side of the family tomorrow night. I swear if my aunt Pauline gives me shit again for things that don't have anything to do with her, I'm going to start a fscking row. And then I'll tell you all about it later! ;)

PPS. Ray LaMontagne is love.

100 Things About Me! (Part 2)

2007-06-27T18:48:00.000+08:00

Note to self: write your English essay if you don't want to be murdered by Ms Knorr.

---

The last 50 things you might not know about me! :)

I...

51) feel bad everytime I wake up later than 10 in the morning, because that's time wasted on sleep.

52) am a Christian, but I don't go to church and I'm starting to have doubts... BUT -

53) pray anyway at times of trouble. Especially before exams and things like that.

54) am a huge hypocrite, and I'm very aware of it.

55) hate sleeping in long pants.

56) love sleeping in hockey socks in winter.

57) dig indie and alternative music, ever since I started listening to Grey's Anatomy music.

58) play tennis and soccer.

59) own four guitars (two acoustics, one classical and one electric)

60) don't want to drive, but because driving would make it easier to get to college, I must.

61) hate shopping for clothes because I think I can't fit into anything.

62) don't wander into the men's section anymore because I'm trying so hard to change.

63) eat chocolate even when I have a sore throat! And drink milk!

64) had a "boyfriend" in Year 8, but I'm starting to consider that relationship as just a close friendship.

65) wore my uncle's spectacles while watching TV when I was young because I thought they were cool -- look at me now. xD

66) am a huge pessimist, but when it comes to friends I change. Hypocrite, much?

67) have been blogging since I was in Year 8. That's almost 5 years.

68) like to believe that I was the first person in my school (back at AISM) to own an iPod.

69) thought "approximately" meant "exactly", and only found out I was so damn wrong in Year 10.

70) grind my teeth in my sleep (apparently!).

71) stopped believing in "best friends" since Year 4, and I still don't believe in it today.

72) like to talk back at the junior years in the boarding house because I like to feel authoritative.

73) have been mistaken for a boy by so many people this year, it's really not funny.

74) am eighteen, and my 16-year-old sister has done more things than me.

75) used to call myself a loner, but in actual fact, I hate being alone.

76) always manage to fit a bowl of green tea ice-cream with red bean paste in my tummy after a big Japanese meal - full or not.

77) have an American accent, and I absolutely despise it.

78) think Americans are stupid. (Sorry if there are any reading this, but you'll have to prove otherwise!)

79) swear alot like it's a part of my immediate vocabulary.

80) used to collect Pokemon cards and play the Gameboy games too.

81) also still have those Pokemon cards in a box under my bed, and the holographic ones are kept in a special folder - I plan to sell ;)

82) take 5 pills everyday in Sydney - vitamins, vitamins and more vitamins.

83) can remember how to play ONE song on the piano - The Entertainer, which I learned almost 10 years ago.

84) have divorced parents.

85) never felt sad or upset because my parents divorced when I was young because I thought it was completely natural.

86) have a famous cousin, who is currently living in Singapore. Max, anyone? :D

87) still have crushes on teachers at eighteen.

88) sometimes wish I had a reason and guts to get a tattoo.

89) don't know if I'm good at anything.

90) am allergic to orange colouring and crustaceans.

91) am desperately trying to lose weight so I can feel good about myself.

92) once danced on my bed in the wee hours of the morning.

93) wish I could make more friends.

94) sing when I'm alone in my room, and sometimes with my guitar if the strum pattern isn't difficult.

95) fly more than 5 times a year to and from Sydney.

96) am, by nature, not a rebel -- but I wish I was a bit of one.

97) am thinking of whether I should leave my hair short, or grow it out a bit so I won't be mistaken as a boy anymore.

98) sometimes feel glad that I went to boarding school in Sydney because I believe that it changed me into someone better.

99) forgot to lock my suitcase on my last trip back from Sydney last week.

100) realised that I was drugged by the cough mixture my mum gave me last night, which made me almost immobile.

Cheers.

PS. Now that took me a while!

100 Things About Me! (Part 1)

2007-06-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

Felt inspired by Sarah's "i" post, and because I am currently feeling bored and the need to waste time, here's mine. Fifty in this post, fifty in another - I don't think I can do 100 in a sitting. Here goes.

I...

1) have a Chinese name, which not even my family knows how to pronounce.

2) love sushi.

3) really want to do graphic design, but I'm so worried that I'm not creative - at all.

4) want a UAI of 90, but I think I'm not cut out for it.

5) play the guitar, piano, alto saxaphone and timpani.

6) live on the 38th floor of our apartment in Malaysia.

7) hate Maths, but I can't complain with the marks I've been getting lately.

8) want a new camera and a new phone.

9) talk to myself -- regularly, and my boarding house friends know it.

10) was addicted to my lip moisteuriser.

11) am addicted to Eclipse mints. Peppermint flavour.

12) love music.

13) get a kick out of new gadgets.

14) get a bigger kick out of fast cars.

15) want to learn how to ride a motorbike.

16) want to go back to Italy and visit Lake Como.

17) want Daniel Craig and Ewan McGregor. <3

18) wish I did Chemistry ;)

19) wish I had the right reasons to do Chem!

20) make my own bed in the morning.

21) am not rich - it's called WELL-TO-DO damnit.

22) went to an international school.

23) hate going to an all girls school.

24) enjoy the outdoors.

25) like walking in the rain.

26) have a hole in my right school shoe and water gets in on rainy days.

27) like ice-cream.

28) hate boarding house food.

29) hate Dawn Yang and her stupid bulging eyes and plastic face.

30) have to write an essay on Hamlet and Ros&Guil to fax to my English teacher by this Friday.

31) have not started my English essay!

32) wish I had the confidence to dress more feminine.

33) like my gin and tonic with Bombay Sapphire.

34) am feeling very sleepy now.

35) don't know the population of Malaysia.

36) own a Tag Heuer watch, and I feel shiny from it.

37) don't give a crap about my HSC. Why? --

38) don't need a UAI for the course I want to do next year.

39) started doodling after realising what I want to do in the future.

40) can speak three languages - English, Malay and Japanese (although the last two are pretty... neh!)

41) can't wait for college/uni life.

42) found the cheapest car parking lot in the city of Sydney - $4 an hour on weekdays!

43) hate the smell of my dorm - it's like a Chinese grocers shop (quote from Jude)

44) am aware that time flies unnoticed.

45) want to learn how to surf!

46) want to fly business/first class after the HSC - 8 hour flight or not.

47) camwhore too.

48) still have the balloons from my pre-18th birthday party last December.

49) need a coat/jacket, not a hoodie.

50) can count the number of books I have completely read in my life time.

:) Cheers.

Tissues and loud bass.

2007-06-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Felt bored and decided to check out VisualDNA. It's very nice. I'm digging the whole layout of things. And it really says alot!

I'm definitely coming down with a cold. Started out with a sore throat, and then a blocked nose - and now I'm sneezing more than I need to (other than being irritated by dust, of course). I was at the doctor's yesterday with mum because she was having some neck pain and she suspected it was her sinuses at work. I didn't even think about asking the doctor for some medication to treat my cold. There goes my ego again -- thinking, a sore throat? Too easy!

I finished watching season two of Prison Break today. I feel like I'm lost. I'm so weird. I actually feel WORRIED for the characters. I attempted to study (which I did, successfully for an hour straight) shortly after that, and I realised that I couldn't help but hope that everything would be all right! Addicted to Prison Break? Me? YES.

I love my speakers. I wish I could take them to Sydney with me and play my music out loud everyday without having to think about people around me in my dorm. I sound selfish, but you know, that's one thing I'm looking forward to at the end of the year.

Cheers.

PS. I think my body clock is still set to the GMT +10:00 time zone. I get sleepy at 10-11pm and wake up at 8-9am every morning. In a way it's good. I don't waste my mornings anymore!

Anyone home?

2007-06-22T10:26:00.000+08:00

I'M HOME!

Yesterday was a long day. Woke up, did the usual packing up business in the boarding house and said some of my goodbyes before heading off to the RTA to do the DKT thing. I ended up waiting about 20 minutes before I could actually do the test. I PASSED! The test was too easy. Completed it with 100% correct. It felt too good to be true. But all right, I did study for it and practice about 5 times without failing in a row. Within the next fifteen minutes, I collected my manual, logbook, L plates and took my photo. Five minutes later, I got my card and I was out of there. Deposited some cash at the bank (like a good girl), and caught coffee with Jude and Pear after bumping into them at Charing Cross.

I waited at the airport for my friend Ray for a good hour, reading Capote's In Cold Blood. Seemed like a good book to be seen reading at an airport, I figured. I was surrounded by a tour group of Chinese people, who daunted me with their lingering and made me wish for Ray to hurry up. Twenty pages, a gazillion messages and an hour later, Ray showed up and we both checked in. Managed to get away with 26kg of luggage each, and on top of that, my 7kg guitar&case. Had some fast food, walked around and went through to the gate. After getting my L licence, I felt so tempted to exercise my rights as an eighteen year old by buying two bottles of Baileys for $47 (or any of the displayed drinks, which included Smirnoff and Glenfidditch whiskey). It was such a good deal. I didn't get it, in the end. The adult in me that wanted to save money said no.

The flight took ages. I couldn't sleep. I shut my eyes many times, but never actually fell asleep. I was sandwiched in between Ray and this strange man, who I thought had never been on a plane before. The man kept asking me random questions. I lied to him. Said I was studying at college doing graphic arts in Sydney. He asked me what the population of Malaysia was. I first didn't think he was serious, but he asked again and again. I couldn't remember what the population count was of Malaysia. I honestly couldn't. I'd remembered learning about this in primary school, and possibly Year 7 geography - but that was more than 5 years ago. I guessed, with the number 14 dominant amongst all the numbers there were in mind - "Fourteen million?" I answered. Turned out it was 22 million. I'm trying not to forget this time.

When is a good time to start studying, I wonder. Now? I don't know when. If I should start now, or maybe tomorrow. I have all these books back with me, and I'm trying to stay focused on making the most of them. Otherwise I filled my suitcase up with more books than clothes for no reason. That'd be the biggest waste.

I didn't really have a good arrival, if you asked me. Mum didn't pick me up from the airport. Instead, she asked Ray's dad, Uncle George to take me home, since we live in neighbouring apartments. I'd rang her at the airport while waiting for my luggage to announce my arrival, and I knew she was out drinking. How sad, I thought - my mum couldn't pick me up because she'd gone drinking at some party or social. She came home drunk shortly after I went to bed, and she smelled of smoke and alcohol. This morning, everyone was rushing around and doing things. I'm now at home and alone, while mum and Inday have gone to the city. What a great way to start the holidays, wouldn't you agree?

Cheers.

End of term.

2007-06-20T20:15:00.000+08:00

During the tech rehearsal.
My timpani, and the one song I dreaded to play,
Lord of the Dance.

And that concludes my final music evening of my schooling career...

I'm ready to go home now. I wish I had the power to fast-forward time so I wouldn't have to carry my suitcase and etc here and there, linger in the airport for 2 hours alone and wait for my flight. I'm so tired.

I've been in stockings for 14 hours. It's such a horrible feeling.

See you there ;)

PS. Couldn't do the DKT after school today. It was fully booked out, so I'm going tomorrow morning instead -- 8.30am. Sigh.

Things need to be done!

2007-06-19T15:19:00.000+08:00

List of things to do before the end of term.

Pack my desk/shelf away.
Pack my books and all notes to be taken home.
Pack my toiletries and other necessities to take home.
After separating what clothes to bring and what not to bring home, pack them.
Pass DKT test and get L license.
Buy Heaven chocolates to bring home.
Play the second performance of Music Evening on Wednesday night.

Lots of things to do before my afternoon flight on Thursday. Lots. And just not enough time to do it. Man, when is there enough time to do anything anyway?

We got our mid-year reports today. Nothing surprising, and nothing most certainly great. Everything was as expected - as usual. The only embarrassing thing about my reports was my English cumulative percentage. When compared to my Christian Studies mark based on one exam (worth 100%), I did better in CS than I did for English! And that Christian Studies exam wasn't even worth what I got. So I guess it's wrong. All wrong. Ok, I'm starting to ramble and my back is hurting alot.

I'm not sure if I should be really looking forward to these holidays, or not. Sure, I'll be back home and it'll be a great break away from school and the boarding house -- but I have to study. I have to study really hard for my trials. The teacher's don't call this time of the year STUVAC for no reason (study/vacation). The exams are practically in seven weeks away, and they're all worth 35-40% each for our internal assessment mark. I don't want to screw it up. With all this time on my hands, I must make the most of it.

That's something I need to learn quick: how to balance leisure time with study.

May not be here to give the rundown on how I go for the DKT test and etc. So perhaps I'll see you on the other side.

Cheers :)

PS. I've decided that if -- IF I fail my second round on the DKT tomorrow afternoon, then I'll do it again for the last time on Thursday morning at 8am before leaving to the airport. It's tight, but I need to get it. I need it so bad.

Mrs Darcy. Mrs Darcy. Mrs Darcy.

2007-06-16T17:36:00.000+08:00

"I am bewitched"

Just watched Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightley. I loved it. I love it. It was so well done! I just can't believe it. A tad long, but nevertheless a wonderful film. Love it. And Mr Darcy - I love him. If only there was someone like him who was in love with me.

HAHAHA! I laugh at myself for my quixotic notions.

---

Went to bed at 2.30 this morning, only to wake up four and a half hours later to get ready for the History lectures. I watched Stand By Me (finally), and the last two episodes of Grey's Anatomy Season 3. I'm not sure how my dormies slept peacefully because I cried like there was no tomorrow. Woke up in the morning to find the weather gone absolutely mad (I will endeavour to capture such a moment one day!) and one eye puffier than the other. It feels like Grey's will never come back for another season. [ I assure you, I have not spoiled ANYTHING here! ]

The history lectures were good. I may have been more entertained than educated, however. It was the feeling of being in a university style lecture, in a large lecture hall with rows of seats and tables that go far to the back and at the top. The feeling of being there, listening and writing furiously on a ,every important piece of information said and interpreted as valuable - it was priceless.

Met up with dad and Riana for lunch at our favourite Chinese restaurant Golden Century on Sussex. It was awesome. Aside from the weather, it was so nice of dad to surprise us - although he did feel a bit sad because none of us answered his phone calls when he first arrived.

Went to the RTA again in Bondi Junction to retake my DKT, but the bloody place was shut. The fat man Moe lied to me yesterday. I guess it just gives me a chance to study up for it.

Off to do work.

Cheers.

Attempt 1: fail.

2007-06-15T17:29:00.000+08:00

FAILED my first attempt at the DKT today. It's a bit saddening, really. Kathy passed though. She got her card and all, and I'm quite jealous. I'm going back tomorrow afternoon to do it again. I even printed out the 93 page manual to study overnight. I must do all it takes to pass! I don't have very long before I fly back home and screw myself over the fact that I'd have to do 120 hours of driving instead of 50!

I got such a surprise today. My dad called me and said he was down in Sydney for a night. Tomorrow morning I've got to go for History lectures on the Cold War and World War 1 at USYD. Thought I'd cut out one of the WW1 lectures to meet up with dad for lunch, despite the fact that I'd be seeing him next week anyway because I'll be home by then. This weekend is looking bright.

Unlike the weather. It's been horrid. It's been raining frequently, and it's terribly cold! I figured all that praying for rain and water in NSW has finally come into action - and now all I hear from those whinging about the drought is "Please stop this rain". To me, the weekend and this weather means soccer socks to bed, curling up in bed with Grey's Anatomy and occasional naps after a hot cup of Milo. Now this is winter at its best.

I've finally done my English speech. That's it. The end of all assessment tasks leading up to the big trials next term. It means we, Year 12s are one step closer to the glorified finish line. I swear I can almost see the light.

Here's me setting my mode to: cruise.

Cheers! :)

Driver's Knowledge Test

2007-06-14T19:56:00.000+08:00

I'm finally taking my Driver's Knowledge Test (DKT) tomorrow afternoon with Kathy. I'm feeling so nervous. It's just a test, which we can practice on the internet -- but I've been failing it more than passing everytime I practice. That is definately not a good sign. It'll be all right if I fail. I'd just have to take the test again and pay another $38! Considering the price, I'm really not keen on failing that many times.

Pressure's on. I gotta get this licence by next Thursday. Otherwise I'm screwed.

WISH ME LUCK :]

Cheers.

PS. English speech to go, and DKT test. Then I'm right back on "cruise mode" for the weekend. Oh I can't wait.

Play that music.

2007-06-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

Was asked to play the guitar for vocal backing tomorrow. Madly in short notice, but I agreed anyway. Hopefully I can manage.

Two assessments this week, and I'm done for the rest of the term. History essay on the origins of the Cold War tomorrow, and an English speech on the ethics of journalism on Friday (which I haven't started, but will tomorrow!). Busybusybusy!

Got my Maths assessment task back. I did surprisingly better than I had thought! I'm feeling very content with my 86% on Trig, Log and Exponential Functions test :) Now waiting to fail Biology!

I need to study hard. I need to study hard. I need to study hard.

Can't wait to go home. I'm so over school and boarding. I want to sleep in my own bed and use my own damn toilet.

Cheers.

Stormy weather

2007-06-10T23:23:00.001+08:00

It's been raining cats and dogs for the past 4 days. The weather is beyond miserable. It's this kind of weather that just makes you want to snuggle up in bed for a nap, while the wind constantly rattles your windows on the pane and the trees outside dance wildly.

It's boarders' weekend. That time of the term when the boarding house kicks us out for a weekend. Been slumming it out at Jenny's apartment in the city all weekend. We've been watching Grey's Anatomy season 2 most of the time, and other than that, I've been slipping in and out of study. Met up with Jude, Nom and Dewi for some rather expensive ice-cream and a walk around Chinatown.

Anyway. Currently at a cybercafe near Jenny's place. Ahh. To be online and free again. Videos, music, etc at my fingertips.

TWO WEEKS MORE!

I'm rambling. I'm not even listening to myself right now. All I can hear are the thumping beats of the V-Bar next door. Massive.

Cheers!

More decisions!

2007-06-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

Went to this Career's Expo held at UNSW today with the whole of our school's Year 12 group. Initially, I didn't want to go because I felt very strongly about going to Billy Blue Graphic Arts School and only there. I really closed my window after making that decision. Man, did I open up my window again.

There were so many universities and private colleges there, including cadetships, GAP year programs etc. It was great. Alot of the major universities were there, like UNSW, USYD, UTS and those from out of state, like Monash and the University of Melbourne. I picked up alot of information about design courses from many private colleges and a few universities. I've also found an interest in Marketing, that particular aspect of advertising. I'd always thought marketing was interesting, eversince I did Design & Tech as an elective in Year 10. For some reason, it really appealed to me. It really came back to me today as I was walking past the UNSW Business section and someone said to me that they gave out free bags, which I was rather keen on because I didn't particularly want to carry all these prospectuses around in hand. So I went over there and had a chat with some of the students, got my bag and left - with the idea of marketing in my mind. I particularly liked UTS' Bachelor of Business program, because you could major in one main course, and another sub major of a course from any other course in any other faculty of the university. But the question of whether I want to pursue a career in the advertising industry under the PRODUCTION or RESEARCH/MARKETING side pulled me back. I have to make a decision.

Of course, I still want to go to Billy Blue, but perhaps a Bachelors of Business might be what I'm really look for. Ahhhh, so many questions - and time is running out. Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Cheerssssss.

PS. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I haven't done more than an hour's worth of work in the past two nights. I'm so lazy, unmotivated and tired. I want to go home.

PPS. Maths assessment task is over. Only two to go (English and History)! No cot, secant or cosec graphs were involved in that last maths test, thankfully.

PPPS. I don't get it. I play one guitar solo performance at an In-House concert and suddenly I'm the "to-go-to" person for music backing. I'm performing the guitar solos for this Year 12 prefects concert tomorrow lunch time, andddd doing the guitar backing for some Drama promotion thing on Thursday assembly. My head spins at the thought. I like the attention though. It's cool 8)

A break from studying.

2007-06-03T18:44:00.000+08:00

Currently taking a break from studying. I don't think I really deserve it, but I felt the urge to blog.

Things I've achieved this weekend:

1- Notes on both Trig Functions and Log and Exponential functions and good practice on both topics, but still not remembering the damn graphs of y = cosec x, y = secant x and y = cot x. DAMN IT.
2- Lost the semis 1-0. NO MORE AFTERNOON TRAINING AND SATURDAY EARLY MORNINGS, YAYZ.
3- Spent exactly one hour at the gym with Kathy on three different machines. We almost died today.
4- Called mum, for the first time and had a decent conversation. Until she stopped listening to me talk about my week and started ragging me about Riana's fucking camp gear and air ticket.

Yes, awesome weekend it's been. I'm also on the lookout for a place to stay for the upcoming boarders weekend. I have no where to go. :S

Cheers.

Picture post!

2007-06-01T13:54:00.001+08:00

Pictures from the Athletics carnival on last Wednesday! Courtesy of Jude :)

---

The ES Marks field,
aka. Hell in a small compound.

As for all school sporting events, Year 12s get to dress up in a theme
of our choice - and this carnival's was Safari. So I went as a liger (lion + tiger)
and Jude went as a leopard. I got to spike my hair up for my mane

Our "we'd-like-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here" face :)

It's been a hard day's night

2007-05-31T16:53:00.000+08:00

We're only half way through the week and I'm flat out already. I'm currently just not in the mood so I'm going to make this short and sweet.

First off, we had our alternate athletics carnival yesterday - and God what a waste of time that was. Thank goodness that it was our last one (ever)! All that time at the carnival was spent stoning on the stands, acting as a pillow for various individuals (including Jude and Kathy), chatting absolute nonsense with everyone, looking out for a certain someone (ehhhhhehehe), attempting to read Ms Watkins' Cold War hand-out and other small things that just don't matter. I spiked my hair up and drew stripes on my arms to make myself look like some sort of animal - I ended up looking like a liger (lion + tiger). Will upload pictures as soon as I get them off Jude. (PS. also had the Year 12 vs staff tug-of-war. We won!)

Secondly, Kathy and I had our very first pilates personal training at Fitness First yesterday after the carnival. It was exhausting. Who ever thought that stretching and bending and breathing would tire you flat out? It was good, nevertheless. The pain will pay off, I always remind myself. I had the best sleep after that. Went to bed at 10pm and immediately fell asleep. It felt great.

Thirdly, I learned a new song on the guitar. I thought it was worth mentioning (how ever irrelevant and small it sounds!) because Somewhere Over the Rainbow sounds so damn pretty on electric :)

Fourth, we had our second dose of HPV vaccine (2 out of 3) today. It took me one hour just to get mine done, too. Mrs Wilson (our head of boarding, who is really our guardian) had signed the majority of boarder's cards for consent, which apparently wasn't enough to convince one of the nurses who were there. So she sent all of us (I reckon there were at least 7 of us) to the reception area to get our cards faxed back home or to our guardians to get it signed by them. It was so gay. I got it anyway, and that's that. My arm hurts now, from both pilates training and the injection. I hate needles, by the way.

Fifth, I've been trying to study hard for Maths on Monday, but I really don't think I'll put off a wonder act this time. I'd have to sleep late every night doing Maths. I'd have to put in heaps more hours into what I'm giving now. Thing is, I can't afford it. I'm so tired that all I want to do is sleep.

I'm going to start work now. Sigh. I'm sleeping early tonight. My body's exhausted.

Cheers.

PS. I haven't continued reading Capote's In Cold Blood in so long. Tonight, maybe. Tonight. I must finish it so I can start reading Salinger.

PPS. This entry has become longer than I had expected. Short and sweet - my ass.

PPPS. Ewan and Charley have arrived in Africa. God speed, boys.

PPPPS. HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO SARAH :)

Current fears.

2007-05-27T19:44:00.000+08:00

It's been more than a week since I last spoke to mum over the phone. In that last phone call, she was expressing how she was so tired from helping her friend cater for something like 200 people in three nights, and I was telling her about how I've been really busy with school. I was telling her about how I keep things to the last minute and I was pretty much rambling as I do when I'm stressed out, and she stopped me and said, "Look Rae, I'm sorry but I just don't want to listen to this right now. I'm just really tired and I just want to rest..." I felt so, I don't know, rejected, unloved, irrelevant - so I quickly said goodbye and hung up. That was the last time I spoke to her on the phone. I said to myself right then, with tears tracing the outline of my cheeks, that I would never call her again.

One week has gone by, and I've sent a couple of smses to her, including a quick hello over MSN. I still want to talk to her though - tell her all about my week; how my History presentation and Biology prac test went; my soccer matches; what's up at school. Stuff like that. But I fear that I'll be put down again. Silly, I know.

I've been trying to study hard for Japanese this weekend, in prep for tomorrow's assessment task. It's been difficult. I just can't go through more than an hour straight doing Japanese revision. And the worst thing about this is that competition is driving me. There's this girl in my class who I absolutely disagree with in terms of the way she studies. I believe that success comes from a balance of hardwork and fun. It can't just be study study study and no fun inbetween, if you know what I mean. I had a good think about it, and noticed that this other girl didn't really have any close friends in the boarding house - let alone, the school. I wondered, is it her choice or did it just happen that way, and that's why she has so much time to concentrate on studies and less (maybe even none) focus on a social life? I can't go through one weekend without contact with friends. I just can't.

I've been so focused on trying to "beat" her on the ranks in class, that it has driven me into a very bad habit. But I realised this, while studying today - I will never be able to pass her this way. Not this way. It's possible, to pass someone's rank without hardcore persistence in studies and lack of a social life. And here, I found that I'll never pass her because I'm not like her. I used to think that I could be someone like her, but it's just impossible. This is why I want to prove to myself, that hardwork and a healthy social life trumps her study-through-the-wee-hours-of-the-night and no-friends-no-fun-school-life method.

Let's hope I pull tomorrow off. Ganbatte, onegai!

Cheers.

PS. Met Ew-Jun yesterday afternoon. We both walked from one end of the city (Central station) to the other (The Rocks) and back. It was great catching up :P and exploring the city together.

PPS. Lost this weekend's soccer match 1-0, but we're somehow still in the semi-finals. I semi dived yesterday, trying to grab hold of the ball, which I sorta did but this girl came up me and tried to kick it out of my arms. I had no idea what was happening (although she was supposed to get a yellow card and all I got was a free kick) but from what I heard after that, as many around me said, "OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL KICKING RAE? SHE WAS ALL OVER HER, OHMYGOD!" I didn't actually feel anything. Heh.

White shadows

2007-05-25T18:38:00.000+08:00

We finally got our school photographs back yesterday. Oh, it was good fun. Pushing through the crowd trying to get my folder and my name ticked off by Ms Powell (my best friend). After much struggle, I had my first glance at the result. I thought, hey I don't look half as bad! Thank goodness I got my hair right this time round. The last two years were horrid, so I'm feeling quite content with what I have this year :)

Class of 2007
Muck-up photo ;) Can you spot me?

Got my History results back. I was so surprised upon receiving it in the form of a small orange folder piece of paper with my name on the outside, and a big 15 on the inside. It was marked out of 20. Pretty damn good for a half done job, I ought to say. But still! It does not mean that every last minute job will be fine - because it's not! (Excuse that last sentence. That was just me talking to myself.)

I've been having alot of dreams about Ms Knorr, my English teacher lately. It's strange. After handing in my Module B essay on the Ham-man and Ros & Guil, I've had two dreams of her on consequetive nights! The first was her telling me that the English department could not return my essay or the feedback to me because I handed it in too late - which is weird, because what kind of stupid reason is that? Anyway, last night (the second time) she was acting like me during my shit days - moody, pissy and very "OH YOU KNOW WHAT... ahnevermindgoaway" kind of attitude (Yes, I'm very much like that when I'm super moody). She got all angry because people were making noise and then she settled down and finally gave us an essay on Wuthering Heights (which I must write in reality due Monday) to complete in one hour. She then took my paper (I carry around a stack of paper in this plastic folder to keep my paper needs fulfilled throughout the day) and handed it out to the class, which made me quite upset because it was my paper and I paid for it. So I shouted at her, and she turned her head away like a little child and my paper was returned to me in one piece less. Strange.

Oh, and last night I had a dream about Ewan and Charley. We were all on a journey, in some far-off countryside. Sort of like their time in Kazakhstan (spelling?) and Mongolia. We painted our horses together with whiteboard markers. Ewan's design was particularly interesting (just stripes). And Claudio (their cameraman) was there to erase the marks on the horses with some device. Strange.

OH AND WAIT, Daniel Radcliffe was in my dream too, last night! It was while performing in the play Equus about horses (HMM!). He was drunk. Very drunk. Again, strange.

I better get into the shower now. Been back from the gym for the past 3 hours and I haven't had a shower. Ewww Rae!

Cheers!

PS. Bio prac assessment task went OK. I think I messed up big time.

PPS. My "phantom" readers are so shy! Please say something. A word or two. It's not too hard!

PPPS. Been in and out of the gym in the past week. It's great, don't get me wrong - but JesusfsckingChrist I'm tired!

Don't understand about complementary colours.

2007-05-23T16:44:00.001+08:00

I finally finished my English Module B essay on Hamlet and Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead last weekend, and handed it in two days ago. Last night I had a dream that Ms Knorr told me she couldn't return my English essay and feedback back to me because I handed it in far too late (I'm actually one month overdue!). Let's hope such a thing doesn't happen, because I really need that feedback.

I've decided to have a go at Billy Blue 2007 scholarship competition. Upon hearing about it, I figured straight up that I wouldn't be cut out for such a thing. I don't do an art or design course now, and I don't think I'm all that creative anyway - so what was the point, right? My friends said otherwise, and I compromised with myself. The brief is to design a logo, and then apply it to three different products - a website, a survival bag and a calling card. What the heck, I might as well give it a go! And if I get lucky, I'll win a $30,000 scholarship! :) It'll be fun anyway. Give myself a chance to practice my design skills again after so long.

---

Everybody, meet my dream notebook.

All this hype and interest in graphics design has put me into this trance. I find myself doodling more, and trying to find some kind of appreciation of my artwork or, random doodle shit. There is a growing want for a new laptop - one that will feed my creative needs such as illustration and photoshop and everything else. And the MacBook Pro calls out to me. I'm so entranced by its beauty, no joke - as geeky as that may sound. It's too bad it costs a bomb, though! I need to encourage my dad to get me one. I'll probably need to prove it though. Damn it, I must study.

---

I have a Biology practical assessment task tomorrow. Most probably the last one we'll ever have. I don't think I'm completely covered for it, but I think I'll be all right. It's worth a whopping 30%, and that's what scares me most - yet, I'm still not super worried about the whole task overall. It's coming to me as just another task to sit through. It'll be all right. Nothing to worry about. No. Just get in there and kick ass... right?

I seem to be allergic to something. Soap, perhaps. Lux soap to be more specific. Otherwise it's my towel. Or my moisteuriser. I'm having such a bad allergic reaction to something! My skin is literally morphing into scales, and it really itches. People have pointed out that it is merely excema, but I like to think of it as an allergic reaction to soap. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've been hitting the gym heaps more. My Korean friend, Kathy has been hit by some kind of inspiration to lose weight (which I don't think she really needs to do, because she's so small and so skinny as she is already!), so we'd decided to go to the gym together three times a week - Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Hopefully, we'll be fitting an hour of pilates in there soon, which will be heaps good too! Other than keeping fit at the gym, soccer's been meh. I haven't been to a single training session since I left the first team. Been far too lazy.

Watched Spiderman 3 last weekend. It was the shit. Honestly, I didn't understand what the hype was all about - it was such a waste. What was up with all the emoness? It got too far, I reckon. So if you haven't seen it yet, don't. Just buy the movie or borrow it off a friend if you can. Save your money for this week's Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End. Mm, yes.

Better get to studying now.

Cheers.

PS. Did I mention before that I finally got Capote's In Cold Blood? The chapters (four in total) are heaps long. I really want to get up to the part where he interviews Perry and Dick, damnit. I don't want to know about what the stupid Clutter family does on weekdays! (Although, it's been a great read! I still can't understand how Capote synthesised journalistic and novel techniques on this story!)

PPS. Does anyone here have a Livejournal account? Just curious to know. Cbox me, plzkthx. :]

PPPS. I did my guitar improv performance last week. It was awesome, besides the fact that my ears got red hot after hitting a few dud notes and messing up a bit. Ahhh I need to control the blood that rushes through my head! (HEHE JUDE)

Where'd everyone go?

2007-05-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

I'm alive and well. Now the question is, are you?

I've been wondering everytime I come by to check my tagbox, where has everybody gone to? Raeville feels frighteningly dormant. I blog. I do blog. Does anyone ever come here anymore, or did I miss out on a big party elsewhere? Or am I just boring everybody out with my stupid graphics and unexplained feelings?

Say something. I don't care who you are. I mean, I just want to know if there are people who still come here - otherwise I might as well just shut this whole place down. I mean, what's the point, right - if I have no readers. It'd be like talking to a wall. I mean, I intend to inform my friends on what has been happening in my life away from home. That is the purpose of my blog.

This is hopeless. Just leave a message on my cbox if you still read. Otherwise I have wasted 10 minutes of precious study time on this stupid post of nothing.

There's a hole in the sky

2007-05-17T19:55:00.000+08:00

I typed out a nice long wonderful entry about how fantastic my day had become after all my assessment tasks and other little things and then I had to go tell Judy and Jenny to keep it down in the bathrooms because Ashleigh and Melissa was trying to go to sleep and then I stormed back in and tripped on some wires and oh snap the power on my computer switched off. FUCK.

Yeah was having a good end of the day. Got my hair cut. Finished a video presentation for Mrs Wilson. Completed two assessment tasks including the impossible (at the time) History speech.

Fuck this I'm going to bed.

Where'd the feel good factor go?

2007-05-15T15:52:00.000+08:00

I think what I really need is to make myself happy. I haven't treated myself to anything eversince I got back for Term 2 in Sydney. I haven't treated myself for a really good meal yet. I haven't treated myself to a new music CD yet. I haven't gone shopping for a new jacket yet. I haven't met up with any of my Malaysian friends yet.

I haven't done anything for myself. And it's showing detrimental results to my well-being.

Cheers.

Note to self//
do something for yourself for a change.

Mum.

2007-05-13T20:09:00.000+08:00

Mum is definately the word.
Happy Mother's Day.
I hope everyone has done something thoughtful for mum today.
Cheers :)

PS. So screwed for History & English,
but I don't really give a damn.

PPS. Excuse me for all the picture posts today.
I got a little creative :3

PPPS. I fucking miss my mum.

Gonna roll up the side walk.

2007-05-13T08:18:00.000+08:00

And they're off.
Ewan ♥ and Charley are off on another adventure.
Their previous journey took them around the world,
this time they're going the long way down
through Europe and right down to Cape Town in Africa.
Two men. Two bikes.
And one awesome adventure.
All the best guys.

---

gonna roll up the side walk
gonna tear up the ground
comin' round to meet you
the long way round.

You want to do what to me?

2007-05-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

Guh.
Watched Casino Royale again.
Somebody please buy me the DVD Enduring Love.
I think I would love you so much.
Oh, Daniel. ♥

Mud football.

2007-05-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

Heathcliff is a fscking maniac.

Should it worry me that I'm not feeling incredibly stressed out as I usually am over an assessment task due on Monday, which I haven't actually completely prepared for?

PS. I'm actually glad I moved down a team in soccer. I counted all the goal saves I made today, and it turned out I saved about 10. We tied 1-1. The one goal was made by this girl in shiny, red boots and with the eyes of such great determination, it gave me shivers down my spine. The ball missed my block by an inch or two. Oh well :]

PPS. I wore my contact lenses to the game today. Took me 30 minutes in the morning though. I think my eyes were just tired. It turned out to be so fortunate of me. The first goal I saved was kicked in my face (again), only it didn't hurt as much and I could see perfectly fine after that. Wahahahaha!

---

Note to self//
giving up is only for the weak.

A music survey!

2007-05-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

I snagged this off from Balqies' blog :) Music surveys are funfunfun!

---

RULES:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
-> Gazelle City - the pillows

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR
PERSONALITY?
- Trouble with Dreams - The Eels

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
- I Want You - Rachel Yamagata

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
- Paper Boats - Nada Surf

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
- No Buses Acoustic (Live X Atlanta) - The Arctic Monkeys

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
- The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison (eh!!!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
- All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
- Beyond the Sea - Robbie Williams (true that though!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
- I am the Walrus [Live] - Oasis (OH YEAH!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
- In the Mood - John Williams & Boston Pop Orchestra (Err...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
- I Want You To Want Me - Cheap Trick (wahahahaha hey!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
- Time is Running Out - Muse

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
- I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles (ehhh)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
- Symbol in my Driveway - Jack Johnson

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
- She's the One - Robbie Williams (hahahahah yeah right!)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
- Rush - the pillows (a tad jumpy, but that's cool)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
- The Masterplan - Oasis (damnnn that's good)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
- Turn me on - Norah Jones (... srsly?!)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
- Come Out and Play - The Offspring

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
- Dearly Beloved (Reprise) - Kaoru Wada

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
- Thirteen - Ben Kweller

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU
REPOST?
- First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes (!!!!! whoaaaaa)

Cheers.

PS. Sports carnival was cancelled. How gay. I was going to go as a liger (stripes and one wild mane) because the theme for Year 12 is jungle. So yeah. I had nothing else to go as. :]

PPS. I have an ingrown toenail. It hurts big time.

PPPS. I got moved down a soccer team. It kinda sucks, but on the bright side I no longer have to do morning training sessions and run up the hill etc etc etc and my game on Saturdays start at 9, which means I get to sleep in. Hip-hip-hoorayyyyy.

Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.

2007-05-08T21:26:00.000+08:00

Excuse me for the dormant state of my blog. I've been very caught up with other things (namely, Heroes all freaking weekend it's so damn awesome ohmygod help me), and haven't really found the time to stop and blog.

---

We had our HPV vaccinations last Thursday. If you know me well, by now you'd be wondering - how the hell did I pull through and why the hell would I put myself through it if the vaccinations were not compulsory. Mum said the vaccinations were free, so I might as well take it. I was brave about it though, very unlike me! I even jumped the queue because my friends were arguing over who should go first. When I got there, on the chair next to the lady who was going to put a needle in me, I was surprisingly at ease. I suppose it was because I didn't want people to look and listen at me curse and squirm around. I had to look brave. Because brave is cool. It didn't hurt anyway. Not until the woman actually injected the contents of the syringe into my arm. And for the rest of the day, my arm was numb.

We have the worst Maths substitute for Mr Jones, who is badly injured, we've been told. The sub's name is Mr Politis. Jude and I were so curious to know of where he is originally from, so I took the liberty to Google his name :x From my "research", I'd found many websites of Turkish origin. So I figured, he's either Turkish or Egyptian (as he told us a "funny" story about him being in Egypt and something about the number 7 and 8 looking so very similar). Anyway, he's horrible. I actually miss Mr Jones. Our Maths class has got to be the most insecure one in Year 12. If there's a slight change in method or style, the class freaks out and starts becoming super agitated with the teacher. We're so used to Mr Jones and his simple ways and slow, hobbling around the class, his menopausal mood and typed out notes, that anyone else far more complex and different to that is just too far out of the ordinary for our brains to comprehend. I do, however, feel very fortunate for having had Maths tutoring back home during the Easter holidays. I've covered well past Logarithmic functions to survive the week without Mr Jones. Let's just hope he comes back soon. I've had enough of Mr Politis' irrelevant, scribbly ways and his stupid natural log graphs that take up a whole fuckin' whiteboard. I mean, it's not like we're unaware that the graph will NOT touch the y-axis because it's an asymptote. Stupid ass.

I have two assessment tasks next week! English, which I have decided to fail because I have lost all hope in the subject; and Modern History, which I think I could do all right in (I might fail at the rate I'm working at right now!). Next week, I also have an In-House Concert performance on the guitar, which I totally saw coming from my guitar teacher the moment I sat down for my class last week. So I'm going to have to pick up on a whole bag of confidence in a week to show off my improvisation skills. I still honestly think I sound lower than a noob. Melissa keeps saying I don't, but I think she's lying to make me feel better.

All I've been thinking about this week is Billy Blue. I'm so excited about it. It's something new, and exciting. I compare it with my daily school life everytime I think about it. Oh, how I would love to learn how to draw and use computer programs to do it too! The fact that it's new, and so totally different, just makes me want to drop out of school and get straight into it. That's when I bring myself back into reality. I've come all this way, and dropping out of school is something I even consider. All the money spent on education, and wasted - gosh, what would my parents think of that? Especially my father. Why, he'd disown me and never speak to me again.

Maybe I'm just tired of school. It's coming to the point where I just don't care if I fail this or that. It's more like, oh dear look at that D, I guess I'll just do better next time rather than OMGNOOOOOO LEAVE ME BE I'M GOING TO CRY IN A LITTLE CORNER. I mean, this final year does not dictate my future, why should I spend so much emotion and time and energy on feeling depressed about a bad score? There's so much more to life than the final year. And to me, I just can't wait to get out there and explore all those other possibilities.

---

The weather in Sydney sure doesn't have AUTUMN written all over it. It's more like SPRING. What the hell is going on with the weather?

Better get back to my notes on Wuthering Heights.

Cheers.

PS. Athletics carnival this Thursday. I'm doing my part for my house by throwing a shotput in the morning. Go Bronte House, yayz.

PPS. Mum's birthday is this Saturday 12/5. Goddamnit I wish I was there to celebrate with her.

PPPS. FINISHED MOCKINGBIRD LIKE A WEEK AGO OMGLIEKTEHBESTBOOKEVER. Atticus Finch is my hero.

---

Edit//
Never ever ever ever ever EVER wear your specs to soccer training
or a game. NEVER. EVER.
And wear your contacts more often.
It helps to know which one to put into which eye too.

1205

2007-05-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

Mum's birthday is soon. I wonder what I should get for her...

I'm tired already.

2007-04-30T19:32:00.000+08:00

I think I may have burnt myself out over the weekend from working too hard. The internet was down all weekend, so I had to find other things to keep me occupied. Other than reading Mockingbird like there was no tomorrow, I managed to get all of my immediate homework done. Also made a good step in progressing through my History holiday homework, which continues to bog me down every hour spent on it.

I got my English speech results back today. I didn't do well. I suppose for an extremely last minute job, a 51% isn't that bad. I'm more disappointed that my manner during the speech didn't grab me anymore marks than I had received. I really thought I spoke well.

Somehow, the thought of how important the HSC is and how well I have to do and not screw all these assessment tasks up - it's completely absent from my mind. I'm just not focused right now. I'm so tired, and the next 3 weeks are already looking very busy.

Tonight was heaps productive. Hah! I answered one question from the Guide to reading Masselos: India's Freedom handout, and wrote the number "2" in the margin. I also sat there staring at the table for a good 15 minutes, aimlessly. Sigh. I desperately need to read Wuthering Heights or I'm going to fail the next English task.

I have soccer training tomorrow. That means waking up at 6.30 in the morning, rushing down breakfast and to Queens Park in the icy cold morning weather in my soccer boots, and 45 minutes later, running back up the hill to school and rushing myself through the shower and into tutor group in 10-15 minutes. I hate this.

It's times like these when I question myself: why the hell do I bother putting myself through these things!

Cheers.

PS. Feeling a bit like crap today. I'm going to bed in 20 minutes.

PPS. Atticus Finch is my new hero.

PPPS. Watched Babel. Very good movie.

It's strange.

2007-04-26T19:39:00.000+08:00

Been craving the strangest thing one could ever think of concerning me lately. It's really weird. You'd think of all the people you know, I'd be the last one to have a craving for such a thing.

Sigh :x

---

I finally got to my History work. And let me tell you, it's slow. Extremely slow. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I can do homework marathons. History summaries, an English essay and continuous Maths study. Hopefully I'll be able to fit in a jog down to Bronte somewhere in my "busy" schedule.

School's been a bum. I got my Japanese exam back today - cheers to 84%. I did surprisingly well for not an awful lot of study beforehand. I'm short of 4% from the last exam I did (which was last year, and with not as many topics tested), which I'm slightly disappointed with. Oh well. I really can't complain.

To my surprise, overall results of the half-yearly exams (so far, not counting my English and Mod History results which will be my failure!) have been very decent. I suppose the only reason why I'm not very used to this kind of result is because I've never worked has hard as this before. Ah, possibly. I don't know. Meh.

I'm going to read Mockingbird now. I love it so much. DAMNIT ONLY 15 MINUTES LEFT.

Cheers!

PS. Soccer training tomorrow morning. 7am. Must be outside by ten to. Oh bugger.

Father issues again.

2007-04-24T19:36:00.000+08:00

I wish my father would just get over the fact that I'm not going to do something big, and that I'm just average student. Nothing more, nothing less.

I got my foot wet from the hole in my shoe again.

2007-04-24T15:59:00.000+08:00

Yeah, back in Sydney, school's just whateverrrr, Ms Watkins was like whateverrrr and the weather's so miserable it makes me frown. Same old.

Except the exam results bit. I received my Biology and Maths paper today, and I'm quite pleased with myself overall, especially for Bio. I scored a lovely 80% for Biology, which is a really big improvement on my performances in Biology exams! This just shows that dot-points are the way to go for me. I got a square 75% for Maths. I'm not very proud of it though, I really thought I worked a bit harder than that. Perhaps a few marks more would've done the trick. But I deserved it. Just gotta work even harder next time!

I feel bookwormish. On Sunday evening, mum and I had gone to Bangsar Village to shop a little and visit the night market for some supper. After watching Infamous, I've been wanting to read Capote's In Cold Blood ever since. I'm so curious about the murder and how Capote's used fictional techniques on a non-fictional story. In the end, I didn't find the book at the bookshop - I'd found Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's instead, which I felt a bit inclined to read, but I didn't want to trust myself on that. So while browsing the bookshelves of the Classic Literature section, I found Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird and thought, Now this could be a good read! I'd learned that Lee was Capote's old friend and neighbour, and was largely influenced by Capote. So I bought it. Because I thought the book would be a really good one to look into. And also because it's one of those classics that you'll never forget. 'Sides, it was 10 ringgit cheaper than almost all the other books on the shelves of the store.

I'm not a big fan of books. When I was younger, I used to like reading alot though. Most probably only because all my friends loved to read, and I felt that I needed to read too. We used to have heaps of Enid Blyton books on our bookshelves and alot of mystery and crime fiction too (for the younger years of course). I knew after picking up mum's Star Wars novel that science fiction and fantasy was not for me. I hated remembering all those strange names. Especially in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I absolutely hated it. When I was in Year 8 or thereabouts, I realised that I'm a highly picky reader. I only like to read books that are non-fantasy related, and I had a liking for only a specific style of writing. I couldn't read something that I didn't like, obviously. I'd just put it down, even if it was a nice story (which I was sure of from reading the blurb, but the beginning just didn't do much justice anyway). That's still me, anyway. I'm very specific. I find books that are interesting, and pick them up to give them a read - but most of the time, I find myself putting them back down after boring myself out.

So far, so good with Mockingbird. It's going good. I'm praying that I finish the book, not like all the other times I pick something up, read a little bit and then put it back down and never touch it again.

---

Everyone's a two-faced bitch, right? Or maybe not everyone. But these people do exist, and they don't come rare today. I'm not willing to put up with any kind of two-faced attitude, especially if it's only to get their way with me. I've had enough of this kind of crap from a certain someone. If she ever talks back again to anything I do or say, even if it wasn't even meant for me to hear, I'm going to fscking crack.

And of course, no one really likes to see me crack and I know this for a fact.

Right?

Cheers.

PS. Tomorrow's ANZAC Day. I'm going to have a shower, do some Maths homework and hopefully some History (I give up). Then after, I'll pop in a movie to watch :) Maybe even start Heroes or Prison Break. Which one, which one...

We are bound by the secrets we share.

2007-04-23T01:47:00.000+08:00

Flying out this morning 10am. I have to be up in 4 hours and a bit from now. What a bother. Mum and I just finished watching Notes on a Scandal. And I must say, that was one fscking intense film. They didn't make it R-rated for no reason, too. It's so creepy, and to think that there are these kind of people out there, who are driven by absolute obsession to losing their minds. It's a great film, nevertheless. Here's another movie I suggest everybody watches. I mean, if you're into that intense kind of movies, do try to get your hands on this. Otherwise, if you're looking for a good light-hearted fun movie, steer away.

I sounded like a film critic just then. My bad.

Just trying to remember all the things I need to get done when I arrive in Sydney. I hope I'm not late back in the boarding house. I'd hate to be doing things in the dark.

See you on the other side!
Cheers.

PS. History homework STILL not complete. Also realised that there are Qs to be answered for all the material that hag has given us. That should keep me company on the plane.

PPS. I like helping people. I really do. I spent at least an hour or so just reformatting bitmap images to send to one of my favourite Daniel Craig sources. 163 screencaps of Infamous all together. I got credited too. Such a nice feeling to

We'll find that long lost gold mine some sweet day.

2007-04-22T13:15:00.000+08:00

"Well here's something for you to remember. I am not a character. I am a human-fucking-being."
~ Perry Smith (Daniel Craig), Infamous.

Some of the things said in that movie are just so powerful in words. I wish IMDB would post more than just what they have.

---

After having such a long day yesterday afternoon, most of which was spent catching up with Su-Yi (which was such great fun!), I got back home at about 11pm and was very much ready for bed. I felt the need to watch Infamous, however - so I switched off my laptop, had my shower, and settled myself down on the couch in the living room with my bottle of root beer.

Daniel plays Perry Smith, a convicted murderer.
Murderer or not, I love him all the same.

It was absolutely amazing. It was just, out of this world! It's about Truman Capote and during the time when he was researching into his upcoming novel of the time (which turned out to be one of the greatest books ever written) In Cold Blood. I loved it. I mean, not just because Daniel Craig was in it, but because it was so well done. It really got me in tears this time, and the emotion within it was so strong. I was blown away. The performances by Toby Jones and of course, Daniel Craig were stunning. I mean, other than Daniel's black hair and black eyes, wow. And come on, Daniel sings and plays the guitar at the end. How wonderful, right?

Otherwise! Watch it! Just because it's "that other Capote movie" and it was after Phillip Seymour Hoffman got all those awards and rahrahrah, this movie doesn't deserve to be left in the middle of nowhere. It should be seen too. So if you ever get the chance, watch it.

---

I've spent all day capping Infamous and other times just eating pineapple and moping around the house. My neighbour on the 39th floor who lives above my bedroom has made all the noise he can make to piss the arse out of me today. I swear he was dragging bodies and chains on his floor. What else could he have been doing otherwise!

Hopefully I'll get to go out later this afternoon. Possibly to the night market. I need to get some stationary and when I think about it somemore, maybe some other stuff to bring back. Right, toothbrushes! That's a start.

Off to get a life.

Cheers.

PS. Still haven't done my History essay. It's due on Tuesday. Should I at least attempt it, or just let Ms Watkins punish me?

PPS. On a lighter note, I had a dream of Daniel Craig last night. He was in his black swim trunks. Oh yes, the ones in Casino Royale. I was right in front of him, but I was far too afraid to say hello. I'm a shy person, ok? Give me a break.

PPPS. I've already made a note to myself about the above. NOTE: pop Infamous in the DVD player, watch, cry a river or two and then sleep almost immediately. Sweet dreams! ;)

Curse that boy!

2007-04-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

My trip to the land of sleep last night was delayed due to this 14-year-old boy, who lives in the room above mine. Again, it's not like you can't consciously tell if you're making too much noise or not. I heard running, and him dropping things on the floor continuously and moving furniture around. I swear, the next time he makes a racket I'm going to call the guards at 1am to complain. ~~I wonder what his parents would say about that.~~ Actually, they wouldn't say very much. Because they themselves are butterfingers. Just like their son.

Rae was and is not amused.

My back's soaking wet from tennis earlier this morning. And you know, everytime I sweat I think of Biology. We sweat as a response to the hot environment we are exposed to. The sweat is supposed to cool our bodies down so that we can maintain our internal environment at a balanced temperature (homeostasis!).

I take back all the times I said Biology sucked. It was really because of the teacher. Now that we have a new one, and finally follow the dot points, Rae is happy :)

Seeing Su-Yi for lunch today! Off to get ready now!

Cheers.

Holiday study/homework summary.

2007-04-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

Short and sweet. I'm making this short and sweet.

English - Essay wasn't set by Ms Knorr and I didn't bring my texts home.
Maths - New topic almost covered, Trig Functions and Exponentials revised. SUCCESS!
Biology - 4 pages of notes on Disease etc. OK!
Japanese - ... Nani? o_O FAIL!
M History - ABSOLUTELY NON-EXISTENT! MS WATKINS CAN JUST SUCK ON THIS.

Cheers.

PS. Catch is home, with a brand spanking new 120GB hard disk! Hurray! That's 40GB more of crap I can save!

PPS. The whole system restore thing has mucked up my Adobe PSP though. I'm very, very unhappy. They want me to re-activate it, but it's always turning up "unsuccessful". Damn it.

Do our experiences really remain?

2007-04-20T00:04:00.000+08:00

I wonder what's it's like to try something after years of not having any contact with the activity or thing. Like, swimming. The last time I swam was at Shaza's place, and I think it was her birthday in 2003 or 2004. That was 3-4 years ago. And I spontaneously jumped in with some friends. It still feels like I haven't been swimming in what feels like a lifetime. I remember swimming heaps though, when I was much younger. But the feeling of being under water, holding your breath, pushing yourself through beneath - it's all gone.

I haven't cycled in years, too. We used to own bicycles, back in the days when we lived in Damansara Heights in a house. My sister and I would go cycling around the neighbourhood. Up the super steep hill, and straight down hill, top speed around the corner and it'd be a slow rise up another hill. We'd remember all the houses with the noisy, loud dogs and the houses that looked creepy enough to be haunted. And the houses that our friends lived in. Somedays, my friends from other parts of the suburb would ride by, and we'd all go up to the shops to buy cheap Shandy (the lowest form of beer ever made. Heck, it doesn't even taste like beer!) - which we would all "sneak" to the nearby playground and drink it all. We thought it was so "rebellious" that we went to hide at the playground. I was in Year 8, thanks.

You know, memories. They just come back every now and again. I was thinking about the things I haven't done in a very long time, like swimming and cycling. And just wondered what it would be like to do them again - do I still have the experience and skill, or has it totally disappeared? I guess I'll never know till I try them again, right?

---

Catch's hard disk, in the end, had a problem. :(( So our IT dude offered me a 120GB harddisk (YAYZ!), together with the restoration of all the information on my old hard disk (DOUBLE YAYZ!), transferred to this new one. Phew. Fortunately for me, technology is absolutely amazing.

Bought heaps of DVDs today. I'm so glad. Now I won't have to go searching for Ugly Betty or Heroes episodes over the internet ever again! Let alone, WAIT an hour for every episode to completely download.

Oh, my skin doctor said what I thought was the weirdest thing to me today. He asked me how much I weighed, and well:

Dr : You don't remember if the meds were the 10g or 20g ones?! Ok, how much do you weight?
Me : Errrrrr...
Dr : 'Bout 47? 50?
Me : HUH? SERIOUSLY? HAHAHAHHA! (I was almost seen rolling on the floor, but I refrained)
Dr : *the most confused look on his face* ??
Me : Noooooo! I WISH!
Dr : Oh, really? You look like it though.

I felt very good after that. :) Hey, muscle is heavy, ok?

Cheers.

PS. Ugly Betty is so inspiring.

PPS. My belief is that, if I don't get my history essay done before school starts, it'll be all right. Because I can always do it when I'm back there anyway, when I'm completely focused. I mean, yeah, what is Ms Watkins going to do about my own "responsibility"? Punish me by giving me a detention (what good would that be to me? Will I really change?)? Send me to see Ms Powell, or even Mrs Stone (headmistress)? HAHA. I'm just going to say I didn't have the time. Oh, and maybe slip in the fact that as a teacher, MS WATKINS SUCKS.

A note to self.

2007-04-18T20:14:00.000+08:00

Note to self: Forever Young (1992), the scene where Mel Gibson and Elijah Woods are in the treehouse "flying".

Too much noise.

2007-04-18T11:34:00.000+08:00

The people living above us, on the 39th floor - or to be more exact, unit 39-04 have been real bitches lately. Seriously, who could be so clumsy enough to drop things on the floor continually for 10 minutes? And who the hell has the right mind to slam their doors in the early hours of the morning? The walls are thinner that one thinks, and people do sleep! It's been driving mum and I insane. We'd be watching TV in the evening, and all of a sudden there'd be this loud running and jumping noise coming from above - and it goes on for at least 5 minutes non-stop, and then it ceases. It comes back, every once in a while. Mum thinks they're punishing us because we've just recently bought the unit from their landlords. What babies.

---

I'm so tired of people telling me I'm so fortunate to be back home. I've heard that story before, could you think of something else to make this small talk less painful? Alot of my mum's friends are always saying to me, "Wow, so lucky! You get to come home every holidays!" They start talking about money, too. "Expensive, you know! To fly home from Australia!" Some even have the nerve to discuss actual figures - "I think it's about - eh, Debbie, xxxx ringgit right? Yea yea, I think so lah!" Christ. There's this lady who plays tennis before mum's session in the morning every day, and she was doing this exact same thing to me. Telling me what I already knew - "Wahhhhhh soooo lucky to come home, hor? Even my own daughter comes home! Too expensive! I told her you just stay there lah!" She even had the nerve to compare me to her own daughter. "You know what she said to me? She'll pay off all the flights I've paid for her in the future!" - at this point, I was on the verge of giving her a backhanded slap with my racket. POINT IS?

To me, what it all says is that my mum loves me more than she loves her daughter - and she obviously misses me terribly, hence she doesn't think it's that much of a deal to bring me home as often. Selfish? No. Selfish is the fact that that very same woman had the nerve to ask me to buy her children expensive ang moh (white person) lollies from Australia. The money comes out of my own pocket money, which I have been saving up for the future. What a twat.

Cheers.

PS. Frou Frou rings of Grey's Anatomy.

PPS. Catch has gone away with our IT dude, who wanted to run tests on him to look for the problem. I'm praying hard that there's nothing wrong with the harddisk, and that it's just a virus affecting the computer which can be dealt with using an anti-virus program. Sigh.

HOMGYAYZ, ENTRY 200.

2007-04-16T10:13:00.000+08:00

HOMGYAYZ, ENTRY 200.

Finally, right? Yeah, it's been... well, it's been a good and long year and a half - and in that period of time, I've produced 200 entries. It's pretty pathetic, but at least I'm not regurgitating my daily schedule unlike others!

Cheers to the next 200 entries to come! :)

Let's rewind

2007-04-16T01:00:00.000+08:00

After giving up on trying to clean Catch up last night, I'd decided to leave him alone to rest before I try again. I'm really worried about him, and I really hope I can save him before it's too late.

Meanwhile, I'm back on my good old Frank (and for those who don't know, Frank is my old Compaq laptop. Oh, and I like to name my laptops). It's nice to be back, too. The keyboard's still intact except for that little "x" key, which has a strange DENT made by what appears to be my nail! My F1-F3 keys are still stuck down with sticky tape and my "Enter" key is still stiff. Ah, just like old times.

And speaking of old times, I was going through the folders I'd left on Frank from before, and I found heaps and heaps of photographs from Year 9 AISM days. There I am, sitting before hundreds of photographs of the final school days of AISM - wondering about what I was thinking and feeling at the time, what was happening during the time I took the shot... Things like that.

It was one of those wacky BBQs of mine,
back at the old house we lived in.

I found some photographs of people I used to talk to, too. Like this little girl, who at the time was in Year 2 or 3. And she used to annoy me so much, and vice-versa to her. I think she was in the student rep council with me, and we used to bug each other at the meetings. I sat there, thinking and thinking - what was her name? And you know, I couldn't remember. I still can't up to now. And it makes me some what confused - there she is, captured in a photograph from almost 3 years ago, and I can't even remember her name.

Me and Su-Yi. My "Pokemon" buddy from our
primary school days.

It's all we play. HALO.
Hell, we're still playing today.

It's weird, how time flies by so fast. All those times, having fun at AISM - the things that happened, the people that happened. It's all in the past, and captured in a timeless photograph. You get the feeling you want to go back. You know, to fix things up. All the mistakes you made, the mistakes you finally realised today - you begin to wish you could turn back time to fix it all up. To change it. But then, today and the now would not happen if you did.

Taken at the swimming carnival, 2005.

As much as I'd love to go back to the past, relive the memories and fix all the mistakes - I'm glad to be here in the now. Everything in our past, makes us who we are today. Without tomorrow, there would be no now. It would be meaningless. All we can do, is look back and acknowledge the past for what it was. Maybe a smile, a bit of laughter at the idiotic things we did before. The things we, today, know alot more about than at the time.

Ah, time is such an amazing thing.

Cheers.

Oh baby, I feel like the music sounds better with you

2007-04-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

There's this billboard or some kind of partition around a construction site on our way out from Mont Kiara to Sri Hartamas, and on it there are a bunch of quotes. There's one that really stands out to me everytime we pass by.

"Surround yourself with people who will lift you higher."
~ Oprah Winfrey

Just sounds so much like something Anne-Marie would say to me.
--

It really does seem like I've been coming home by no earlier than 12am everynight. I'm always out with mum for dinner or some other function (like tonight was karaoke, with Shaz and her family with my uncle and his friends), and I'm obliged to stay and wait for her, until she gives in and tells me to go home. In a way, it's nice - I get a taste of mum's nights out; but man, I'm tired to sleeping late. I want to chillax. I haven't had many nights at home for quite a while!

Mum and I went shopping today, and ohhhh man did I spend alot of money. I finally bought a new pair of earphones. Pretty awesome ones, too. I got myself a pair of the Sennheiser CX 300 with added bass. It's excellent! The sound quality is absolutely superb compared to alot of other earphones I tested! I love it. How much it costed me, well, that I will leave disclosed. I used what was left of my angbao money, let's put it that way.

The music TRULY sounds better with you!

Other than the earphones, I got myself a few tees from Topshop and some shirts from PDI for good prices. It seems like all the shops are having some sort of mini sale. And the PC fair is on Saturday, so all the electronic shops are having mega discounts and great deals.

Me and Shaz at Star KTV.
I was so tempted to photoshop my stupid fat chin,
but unfortunately I lack that skill. :(((

I just got back with mum from Star KTV. Aunty Siti, Shaza's mum was really keen on having a night of karaoke last week, and so we organised it for real. Uncle Doug and his friends came along, and so did some of Shaza's aunts, and we had a really good time. We sang songs from Hit 'em Up Style (NUUUUUUURIE, WHEN THE MEN WANNA GET BUTT-WILD!) to She Bangs. Ohhh it was great! I even sang Barbie Girl by myself, which was rather embarrasing because I sang those high pitched sounds Barbie would make after a line or two. BUT OTHERWISE, it was great fun.

Something terrible has happened to Catch (and for those who do not know, Catch is my laptop!), and I'm getting very very worried. He's feeling very sick. He's getting slower, and non-responsive at times. Hell, I opened up Adobe PSP about 8 minutes ago, and it JUST opened up completely. No, there is definately something wrong with Catch. I have a feeling he may have caught some trojans in his system. Damn those torrents! Why can't file sharing be done in peace? :( And space. He's running out of space. I'm trying to hard to free dear Catch of some gigs, but it's so difficult at the rate he's running at. Help. :(

I need a shower, I smell like smoke and Armani. More of smoke, but still a hint of Armani... anywaykthxbi.

Cheers.

PS. I also got a new haircut a few days ago. I actually forgot what it felt like to have REALLY short hair! Strange.

PPS. Daniel Craig shaved his head for his upcoming movie I, Lucifer (WHICH ALSO STARS EWAN McGREGOR, BEST COMBINATION EVER). I don't particularly like it. It doesn't suit him. But meh, Daniel's Daniel. I'll learn to love it. ♥

Damn it. I love a sharp-dressed man.

You don't want to go to Uni? You must be sick.

2007-04-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure I understand. Why are people so up-tight about going to university? I've really had enough crap about this from my father's side of the family. The moment I mentioned private college to them as my plans for life after school, all I get is gaping mouths and shock, and possibly even terror. Big deal?

"But why?"
"Why a private college?"
"Don't you want to go to university?"
"What's wrong?"

Well, it's not that I don't want to go to uni. It's just the universities in Sydney don't offer the course I want to do! And even if they do, it's not as good as the hands-on kind of stuff you get from private colleges. They're just as good too. In 3 years, I can get a degree in a Bachelor of Design offered by a top-notch Melbourne university! Is that still not good enough?

No. They want more. Something like, law or medicine or some other big-ass course. Law's usually the one that brings in the WOWs. Graphics design does nothing. Advertising or communication does less. No one wants to know about what you draw, and how you draw. No one gives a crap. They might if you declare that you have plans to open a law firm, or your own hotel management. But no. Not for graphic design.

It hurts, to not be noticed for any kind of achievement at school in my family. No one asks me about how I'm doing at school, and usually when they do ask, I'll tell them - two minutes later, they'll be talking to my cousin about what he's going to do after school. Almost every dinner thing we have, or function for this side of the family, this topic comes up. It is amazing though, what my cousin's achieving at his school. He is like the epitome of our family, the first of my generation in our family to go overseas and the only doing doing the International Baccleurette. I'm obviously on the same bandwagon as he is, I'm in the same freaking year as him, for crying out loud. Still! No one cares. No one cares if you play in the school's top soccer team, or play in three different bands and with two different instruments. No one cares if you're part of the boarders' council, or how you've done at school in grades. Everything's about the nephew. The one who's very very decorated with prefectship and community award or something shit like that.

I've really had enough of this shit. It tires me, to feel so worthless. Sigh. I think a shower would do the trick.

Cheers.

Want to sleep for

2007-04-08T10:58:00.000+08:00

This weekend must've been the busiest I've ever had in a holiday. I've been out till at least 12am every night from Friday, and been waking up early for either tennis or a function. And funnily enough, I haven't had the chance to sleep in yet! That's a well-packed holiday, if you ask me.

Friday night was spent at this Austrian restaurant having dinner with mum, my uncle and his partner. After that, mum dragged me along with her friends for drinks. It was, as lame as this may sound, my "first night out". I have such a weak endurance when it comes to alcohol, as even more sad as that may sound. After my first glass of wine, and a glass of vodka&cranberry I was too tired to carry on. Goal in being eighteen: build an endurance to prevent self from being labelled WEAK.

I was at Az's birthday yesterday, a friend's girlfriend - I knew both of them from Year 8, and I've only met them twice in the entire lifespan of our friendship. It was good though, meeting other people, most of them being college students, one or two years older than me. I felt like such a social bug, and it felt good.

Sunday was spent out the entire day, literally. It was Shaz's brother's 16th birthday party, and mum and I were invited for lunch - and so we went. It was great to see everybody again, and the food was excellent. Straight after that, I spent the rest of the afternoon and night with my cousins and relatives. Caught up with dad, uncles and aunties and cousins - including my cousin Max, who I haven't seen in six years. The last time I saw him was when I was 12-years-old and in Switzerland. It was great seeing him after so long!

Max and I at Bukit Bintang,
before he left to the Kanye West concert. :)))

My cousin, Ji-shen, his friend Alex and I went up to Petaling Street to shop later that night. It was my first time being out in town at night. Oh, the feeling of being liberal and independent.

It's getting very late, or early to be exact - and I have to be awake for tennis at seven in the morning. We're having breakfast with Shaz, if she gets up after tennis. Otherwise, great. Nothing else happening tomorrow. I could use this opportunity to slack off. Take a nap, perhaps.
I cooked french toast on Sunday morning after disagreeing with yoghurt&cereal for breakfast. It turned out all right, actually. (:

Cheersss- *yawns*

PS. Finally got my very own credit card.
Ah, to be eighteen.

Rae is home.

2007-04-05T13:06:00.000+08:00

That's right, I'm home. And the funny thing is, I actually miss boarding :( I just miss the noise and yoghurt+raisin toast.

Our internet is the shiznit.

Cheers.

Gandhi was a great man... ?

2007-04-03T15:44:00.000+08:00

ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ASDFGHJKLOHYEAH.

Ok. Maybe I didn't fail History. Or perhaps I did. Anyway, I thought it was OK. Could've have done so much better if I had put more study into India. I just regurgitated everything I knew about Gandhi and the satyagraha in the development of Indian nationalism onto 2 and a half pages. Hope it will steal me a few marks.

Stuffed everything onto my bookshelf. It's not usually this crowded.

Got back and started packing up my work station for the end of term. Ah, the advantages of Year 12! We don't have to pack every single thing up, which is fantastic! So then we won't have to spend hours on packing our room up and more hours on feeling super stressed out! Especially during the exam week, and most especially when you've got an exam (like me) tomorrow morning, which you haven't really prepared for! x]

Dad sent me an email today. It was some sort of test to see which hemisphere of your brain you are more dependent on, you know, are you more creative or more analytical. This was the first line of what my results read:

Raelene, you are one of those rare individuals who are perfectly "balanced" in both your hemispheric tendencies and your sensory learning preferences..

Hehe, sweeeeeet. I'm "one of those rare individuals"! I feel unique.

All flights heading out from Sydney Airport have a new rule concerning items that take the form of liquid. We're only allowed a maximum of 100ml of liquid on board, let alone through customs, which I think is a great step to ensuring maximum security in air and on land - but blahhhh, it's so troublesome! What is 100ml of water going to do to rehydrate anyone in air? They even have a list of permitted liquids list: water (and other drinks, soups, syrups [who carries syrup on a plane?], creams (and lotions, oils, perfumes, sprays, gels, mascara), pastes including toothpaste, liquid-solid mixtures and other items of "similar consistency". Thank goodness my perfume is less than 100ml. And thank goodness my hand cream is, too. Oh, and they're making us check in 3 hours before our flight now. Well that's a plus ;) All the more reason to leave school early!

Flight's at 2pm, and I'm out of the boarding house at 10.30am after my Japanese speaking exam at 9am. And mmmmmmmmmmm I'm so excited, that I don't want to study for tomorrow's exam. But I have to. And I will - just - soon.

Much love from Sydney,
see you back in KL (:

It's not like it gets any easier from now

2007-04-02T18:25:00.000+08:00

With only two exams to go, the feeling of the end is overpowering my ability to study and work more. After the English speech, which I messed up a bit, but in the end turned out to be all right, I got back to the boarding house and plonked myself down for History study.

I didn't get anything done, in the end. Not till 2 hours later, when I really started to get things down onto Word, and back up to my brain. I think overall tonight I've done 2.5 hours of study, and yes mum, it's not enough.

I'm feeling very confident about WW1, but not about India. There are people to blame. Firstly, myself - for not listening in class (it's not like it's easy anyway! My teacher is an asshole). Secondly, my teacher, who simply cannot teach Indian history, let alone ANY history for the sake of Year 12s doing their HSC. All she's given us is notes, and just summaries after summaries and so forth. I'm so tired of reading through them, and listening to her read them out loud in class. What's the point right?

Ok, I'm starting to rant, and no, I don't want to do that. I'm going to bed now. My head is spinning and I'm just too angry to function right now.

Tomorrow, I fail my Modern History exam.
Let's hope that bullshitting will grab me a few marks.

Cheers...

Revamped

2007-04-01T19:37:00.000+08:00

New layout. I was feeling a little tired of the fat Georgia typeset and white-ness of my basic layout before, so I thought I'd have a shot at tweaking a layout off Blogskins. Changed the photograph, comments section and spacing of boxes. I'm not too bad at HTML after all. Might change back if I don't like it. We'll see how things go.

Exams are almost over! Only 3 more to go, and I'm home!

Cheers.

PS. Oh, and Happy April Fools Day :)

A silent sigh

2007-03-31T16:43:00.000+08:00

Feeling down in the gutter again, and it's always for the same reason.
Someone give me a nice, rough brick wall for me to smash my head against.

:'(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Sigh.

The busiest time of the term returns

2007-03-29T16:42:00.000+08:00

:DDD BOOYEAH! Only 3 exams left - a speech for English, roleplay and report for Japanese and Modern History! And then, I'm out of here! I felt so excited that I didn't want to study at all today, after having a three hour Japanese writing exam in the morning. Also due to the fact that I've got a three days grace before my next exam on Monday, and subconsciously I'm thinking, "GREAT, I can study up later. Let's party now!"

It's going to be one very busy weekend though. I've got the English speech to write, and a Japanese report to do too. Plus, completion of notes on India (which I am struggling to do, because of all the politics involved and thanks to our great History teacher who has taught us SO MUCH). Other than study, I've got soccer grading trials this Saturday morning, a Jazz band performance later that afternoon and a lunch with Ew-Jun on Sunday afternoon (I miss chapel, mwehehe)! I'm praying that I'll find time to study inbetween all of these things.

Earth Hour is this Saturday. Our school was the first school in NSW to sign up for the program, so the boarding house is participating big time. That means no electricity for one hour, from 7.30 to 8.30pm. Our boarding house has decided to take a walk down to the beach at night, which should be lots of fun.

Due to the soccer grading session this Saturday morning, I've got to get myself all the way back to our apartment just to get my boots and shinguards. I hate doing this myself, and with public transport. It takes ages, and sometimes I don't even know where to go!

So I wrote out a little memo to myself as to what I need to do.

Train from Bondi Junction Interchange to Town Hall or Central
Train from Town Hall or Central to Circular Quay
Bus L20 (Limited stops) from Stand C, Circular Quay at either 10.32, 11.02 or 11.32am.

I read that it'll take me a good 40 minutes to get from Circular Quay to the bus stop outside the apartment. I'm hoping I read it wrongly. *facepalm* I don't think anyone is bothered to come along with me.

DAMNIT. Why do I still struggle at this kind of independence!

Cheers!

How bizarre

2007-03-24T11:53:00.000+08:00

Missing the old days like mad.
It's funny when I think about it,
how far we've come after this photograph was taken
December 7th, 2004.
We were in Year 9, AISM
and now we're in Year 12
seperated and gone in different directions.

Bizarre.
How time flies so fast.
I feel frightened at the thought of it.

---

The next two weeks are going to be a living hell. Our first major Year 12 internal assessment HSC exams, and of course, the first of more to come. I've been preparing myself for it for the past two weeks, and now the only other thing I can do is to pray I get through the seven exams as best as my ability can take me.

My to-do list. Lots and lots and lots
of things to do!
(Inc. Erinna's wonderful doodle of a certain someone
in a graph paper shirt)

Was recently just studying Maths.
Series and sequences. Just shoot me now.

And after that, on the day of my Japanese speaking exam I fly home. The only other thing that's driving me forward. I can't freaking wait. Oh, I can already taste the curry laksa on a warm morning at the Damansara local coffee shop, our table under a fan moving at it's highest speed - mm the smell of the uncle's char kuey teow and the noisy, busy chatter of working people of all classes having a local breakfast to keep their spirits up for the rest of the day.

I'm so hungry.
Cheers.

There's got to be meaning

2007-03-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

Many apologies for the constant stagnation of my blog in entry-wise. I haven't been able to find enough time to actually get online most of the time during the week, and it's usually during the weekends when I am able to come online to do these sorts of things (MSN, blog, catch up on my LJ f-list).

My half yearly exams start next Monday, and to be honest, I'm very unprepared at this stage of time, with only five days till my Maths exam. Six to my Biology. A week to my written Japanese exam. It's stressful. I come back from school, and all I want to do is rest. You can't expect yourself to continue working for another two hours till dinner straight after studying for 5 hours at school, can you? No. I tried that once, and it proved to be very detrimental to my brain. My study plan is not really working out as well as I had expected it to be, and I'm getting more tired by the day.

I wonder about giving up. To simply put my studying to complete stop - I wonder if the belief that nothing matters anymore will get me through the HSC would actually work. Why do we work so hard for this one moment in our lives - the achievement of school, overall? It won't dictate our complete lives. It most certainly won't. The world out there is full of opportunities, and yet our eyes fail to look beyond this blockade in our journeys of life. I suppose it's partly for that wonderful sense of achievement - of doing your ultimate best and having the ability after that to show everyone else that you have done great. The sense of achievement that raises your determination to go further, to leap, to take the extra step with style and elegance.

Still, I question - why does it matter so much to us? Beliefs and values and attitudes of our parents, taught to us and put into practice. Oh, just imagine if nothing really didn't matter! The infamous acronym UAI didn't mean anything, and so did university. One might wonder - does that mean life is meaningless? And are we really driven by dreams and aspirations, or are we pulled along by the power of the values and attitudes of our society today?

Intense. Questions about existentialism keep floating about my mind, and it really makes me ponder. Damn my English transformation studies!

Cheers.

Great way to end a miserable week

2007-03-10T20:28:00.000+08:00

I can proudly say that I had the best end of the week - possibly ever! I was feeling quite miserable from the workload, and the exam notifications, my last English assessment task (ranked 44/52 from 23/52, mmmmyay) and other little things - so this was REALLY great. I mean, FANFREAKINGTABULOUS!

Ohhhhh it started off with a bit of a chat up the stairs to the tennis courts in the morning (I was, in the beginning, feeling very unhappy about morning training, bbbbbut then!)... and then a few :)))))))) friendly encounters, oh, and not forgetting a conversation about a certain skeleton's missing front tooth, the colour pink (pink ties and shirts and oh just the colour) and liquid nitrogen (I freaking wish I did Chemistry. "Biology is a flower subject.").

OH IT WAS ALL JUST SO WONDERFUL. HELL, I'M STILL FEELING OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT. AHHHHHHH ROTFSQUEE.

I'd spent my past few days working on a boarders video presentation for today's Open Day. I'd come back to the boarding house during my free periods to take photographs, and in the afternoons I'd be editing them etc etc. Not only was it veryveryvery time consuming, it was so tiresome. You know, repeatedly CTRL+ALT+Iing every picture, SHIFT and UP and then type in 50 to PERCENTAGE and the image will decrease in size to 50% of it's original... Try doing that to 60+ photographs, and adding layers and changing brightness/contrast to some!

(From left) Erinna, Mama Banks, Jude and me!
*Note: Year 12 jersey on me.

Open Day was all right, I suppose. I didn't take any pictures, unfortunately. I should have though, especially during the liquid nitrogen demo oh looking grrrrrrrreat in a white buttoned down labcoat, gloves and safety goggles ohhhhh squee*. Aaaanyway, hmm, yes, it was very tiring. I had a tennis match at 7.45, which we lost by a point or two; rushed back to the boarding house to get ready for the tours. As part of the boarders council, you help out with the tours around the house and other little things like manning the boarders' display at the hall. Jude and I were in charge of the 11.45am tour, which to our fortune had no turn-ups - so we scrambled our way to the Science demo of liquid nitrogen (hehehe). I loved it. Again, WISHING I'd done chemistry intead of Bio! Visited the Maths department under Jude's wishes, which was quite enlightening - ~~solved~~ attempted some Maths problems with a few Year 8/9s.

Yeaaaaaaa bunch of music performances after that - messed up my House of the Rising Sun solo YET AGAIN, but this time it sounded excruciatingly HORRIBLE. Anyway, it's over now. What matters is the present.

Dad rang me up Friday night and asked me why I didn't want to go to uni. Ok, not that I don't want to go - I mean, I'd love to go to university... If they offered the course I want to do! I told him about Billy Blue and how I reallyreallyreally wanted to go. He seemed all right about it. Of course, every parent sees the day when they brag to their friends about their child studying some big ass business or law or medicine degree at a big ass university like UNSW or USYD. Or going to the states and the Ivy League crap. I hope he supports me no matter what. University or not.

Numbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbness in my legs!
I'm off to bed now. So tired x]

I hope everyone had a good week. End of the week, too. :D Hehe. I for one sure did.

Cheers!